Chris Grasso is a Modern Day Robin of the Hood

And that's not just because he wears a lot of hoodies.


Hoodie: Side View


Hoodie: Rear View

My roommate, Chris Grasso, is one of my closest friends. I lived with him once in college, and I live with him again now. He's truly one of those kids who can just put a smile on your face, even if you don't know why.


The Mark: Grasso: Making Us All Smile.

Chris' one drawback, if any, is that he is, well, um, a bit frugal. Some might say that he is just careful with his money.

This week, at the risk of missing the first few minutes of 24, Chris Grasso, for the first time in a LONG time, envoked the 3rd Commandment of Guy Friends: "You Fly, I Buy."


Taco Bell: The Unwitting Participant

Chris Grasso will not be doing this again for a long, long time.

Why?

Because in his blind passion to consume both Taco Bell and Jack Bauer at the same time, he made the mistake of giving me his debit card.


Big Mistake.

If there's one thing I'm really good at, as a friend, it's keeping quiet about something that bugs me, and then eventually retaliating in an immature, irritating, but ultimately harmless way.

In this case, I have been irritated by Chris' frugality for months now. He may or may not be aware of this, as I don't really ever confront him about it, though I do make snide comments fairly regularly. If not, I'm sure he's aware of it now.

Here's what Grasso asked me to order for him:

2 Cheesy Gordita Crunches
1 Cheese Quesadilla
1 Grilled Stuft Burrito

This is indicated by the top half of the receipt:


Receipt: Very Bottom Heavy

This isn't meant to make Grasso sound like a fatass. We do this whenever we go to Taco Bell. In much the same way I like to date girls who have small hands - in order to make my penis look bigger - we like to over-order at Taco Bell. It makes us feel like bigshots.


Joe Stapleton: Taco Millionaire

Luckily I had my trusty roommate/sidekick/hetero life partner, Sam, with me to asssit in this. I will say right now that Sam's first, second, and third reactions to this plan were "We shouldn't do this, Joe." But Sam also thinks it's a bad idea to meet girls off of Casual Encounters on Craig's List, so what the fuck does he know?


Sam: Anti-Internet Dating, Pro-Not Saying No to Joe

Upon closer inspection, the bottom half of the receipt, although not eloquently worded, tells the tale of the extra THIRTY items we ordered, in an attempt to run up Grasso's tab to over $50.


Mission: Accomplished

After ordering, we hit a slight snafu with the cashier. Apparently you need to know someone's pin number in order to use a debit card at Taco Bell. After a quick call to Grasso, whose belabored breathing and irritated recitation of the four numbers quickly snuffed out any flames of regret I might have had, we had our order, and we were away.


Hector: Taco Bell Employee of the Decade

Oh, and in case you've never before seen this many digits ($58.02) on the display at the second window of a Taco Bell Drive through:

Sadly, I have.


Disposable Camera: Fucking Up My Blog

While initially I would have been satisfied to just see the look on Grasso's face when he got his bank statement and saw that I had spent $58.02 at Taco Bell, I realized that this plan had to have two parts. Wasting all that food would have been a bigger sin than any amount of frugality.

In addition to buying dinner for Sam, myself, and my other roommate, John - Grasso was also going to be providing a delicious, albeit not terribly healthy, meal for as many of Los Angeles' less fortunate souls as we could find.

Sadly, it is at this point that the photo blogging loses some steam. While I think it might have been entertaining to see some of LA's more personable transients thanking Grasso with a thumbs-up in photo form, something seemed just a bit exploitative about asking someone if he or she wanted food, and then asking for a picture in return. Comitting fraud and stealing from my friends is one thing. Photographing the homeless is another.

Having had the foresight to ask for extra bags, Sam and I proceeded to rearrange most of the food into smaller "grab bags" of Taco Bell, careful not to include any of our own food, lest we be found out upon returning home with the wrong amount of food. We then set out to find some homeless folks.


Sam: Locked and Loaded

Surprisingly, we had to drive around for quite awhile trying to find these folks, who are seemingly everywhere when you're not looking for them. Eventually we decided to drive from the Valley, back to Hollywood, where we were sure to find some folks. Here is a list of things that also surprised me, and they may surprise you too:

** Some homeless people aren't hungry.
** Some homeless people don't like Taco Bell.
** Asking someone if they're hungry and want some extra Taco Bell is difficult to say without coming off as:
condescending - "Hey! You hungry? You want some Taco Bell?"
suspicious - "Hey, buddy. Are ya hungry? You want some Taco Bell?"
threatening - "Hey! You want some of this Taco Bell?"
reality TV - "Hey, we have this friend, and he gave us ALL this extra Taco Bell!"
** Some homeless people are apparently on the Atkins Diet.
**It is hard to tell the difference between hipster and homeless. Which leads to:
**Not everyone who walks around Hollywood at night is homeless.

I have to give Sam a ton of credit. He didn't really sign on for a 90-minute Taco Bell excursion, or to be an accomplice for bank fraud. Since he was the guy forced to accost all of these folks, he had a pretty tough job.


Sam: "Delicate Question Asker" of the Year

Here's a conversation that happened a least a dozen times while we scoured Hollywood for hungry people:

Joe: How 'bout him? Is that guy homeless?
Sam: Joe, just because someone is black doesn't mean he's homeless!

In the end, we managed to give away all the extra food, and make it home just as 24 was ending. I had to tell a few white lies in order to have the time to publish this blog, but hopefully he won't be too mad when he reads this.


Sam: No Remorse

I snapped this picture, just so I'll always remember happy Grasso, just in case he never forgives me.


Grasso: We Had Some Good Times at Least, Didn't We?

Someone was once quoted as saying that he's "stingier than a Black Jew's tip at an Old Country Buffet." I don't think that at all. I just think that splurging and being an idiot with money just isn't hardwired into his system. He just doesn't really think of it.

So on this particular occasion, I thought of it for him.

We love you, buddy.


Grasso: One Love

State of the Union

Last Tuesday night President George W. Bush delivered his State of the Union Address. In his speech, which lasted a shade under 50 minutes, President Bush outlined his plans for progress in America to his colleagues on capitol hill, a television audience comprised of a heavily divided nation, and Dikembe Mutombo.

I've been working on developing a political conscience over the past 6 months or so, and I'm informed enough at this point to give my opinions, even a review perhaps, of the address. But I won't. It suffices to say that as far as speeches go, the president did okay; if you can excuse the 500 or so slip ups, and the fact that everyone already knows that he is completely incompetant at everything from the job of commander-in-chief to eating a bag of Rold Gold. Numerous times throughout the course of the address I found myself asking, "Is this really the President of our country?" Unfortunately the answer was always yes. However, as I watched the President fumble through the address like Stevie Wonder through Pan's Labyrinth, it became clear why; he knows his audience.

Here's Proof:

Vocabulary Every President Should Know if He/She Is Hoping to Win Votes in the Red States:

Nucyaler = This is the same as nuclear, only pronounced wrong. It can also be written nuke'yeller and used to command someone to put a golden retriever in the microwave.

IN-surance = This is the same as insurance, except you prounounce it in such a way as to let people know that the "surance" is going IN, not out.

Vee-hickle = Out here in L.A. we call this a car. Bush of course used this term most often when talking about our need to explore alternative fuels and lessen our dependance on foreign oil, and then to punctuate the topic of issuing temporary work visas to immigrants when he said, "Of course, this means ther'll be even more Mexicans driving around without Veehickle IN-surance." No, he didn't actually say that. Cheney made him cut it.

Randomness:

Most of Bush's constituents enjoy the randomness of life. And by randomness of life I of course mean the ability to choose from a variety of fried meats warmed over sterno for only $4.99, and the contestants' choice of cases on "Deal or No Deal." With this in mind Bush chose his "distinguished guests" totally at random. Case and point: about 45 minutes in to his speech Bush takes a sip of his water and then utters the most puzzling words in the history of the SOTUA. "Dikembe Mutombo..." After saying the name of this aging NBA star and prolific shot blocker, Bush took a nice long pause, giving me enough time to look at Alexandra and say, "Oh my god, he's losing his mind." I truly thought we were witnessing the end of Dubbya right then and there. Why on earth would Bush say "Dikembe Mutombo"? Where is he going with this? Is he going to announce the rest of the Houston Rockets lineup, or unveil a plan to station Mutombo atop the statue of liberty where he will keep the country safe by swatting out of the sky missiles aimed at U.S. targets? All of this zipped around my skull until he finished his thought, "...grew up in Africa amid great poverty." Yes, of course. It all makes sense now. NO! Why the fuck is Dikembe Mutombo one of Bush's guests at the State of the Union address? No offense to Dikembe, but he isn't even relevant in basketball anymore, let alone politics.

And as if that wasn't puzzling enough, Bush followed up his minute and half long mini-bio of Deek, which by the way ended with the President's proclimation that he is, "proud to call this son of the Sudan, a citizen of the United States of America," with the introduction and lauding of the creator of "Baby Einstein," which to my understanding is nothing more than rudimentary animation set to the sound of classical music tracks. It's almost like Dick Cheney walked into the Oval Office with one of those $10 impulse buy coffee table books from Barnes and Nobel, and was like, "Hey, Dubbya. If you could invite anyone living or dead to your State of the Union Address, who would it be?" And Bush responded, "Well, Dick. That's a tough one. I guess I'd have to say... Dikembe Mutombo... and, damn, Dick, this sure is hard. Hmm. Dikembe Mutombo, and OH YEAH! That woman who created Baby Einstein. I love Baby Einstein." Okay, maybe the Baby Einstein inventor wasn't such a bad use of an invite. Hell, if Baby Einstein existed back when George was eating paint chips and being dropped on his head, maybe we wouldn't be dealing with a troop surge right now.

All told, with the exception of Dikembe Mutombo and the fact that for the first time the Speaker of the House was "Madame Speaker" - by the way 10:1 Bush thought he was getting away with calling Nancy Pelosi a female pimp - the State of the Union Address looked and sounded like nearly every other State of the Union Address I've ever seen. That said, here is a final summary of the evening's events.

State of the Union Address - Minutes:

Bush covers the well-worn SOTUA territory of social security, medicare, and national security - 3 min 30 sec.

Applause - 45:00

I take that back. I forgot about Dikembe.

Bush covers the well-worn SOTUA territory of social security, medicare, and national security - 2 minutes

Applause 45:00

Totally unexpected fellating of Dikembe Mutombo - 1:30 seconds.

Goodnight, and God Bless.

Welcome to the Future!

It is 2007. Two-thousand-and-seven!

I started thinking about that today. And to look at it more closely. I started to think, "whoah, we're only a few years away from 2010."At that point, it begins to seem less like reality, and instead started resemble the kind of date you'd see in a science fiction movie.

"In the year 2007..."

And it got me to thinking about science fiction movies, and the technology and inventions and wonderments we're supposed to have. So I did a little research. And let me tell you something, we've been getting fucking gypped.**

**Dear Gypsies -- If you are offended by this, I apologize. But maybe you should try not being such fucking fraudulent cheats.

Movie: 2001: A Space Odyssey
Year Released: 1968



Predicted Reality: In the year 2001 (duh), with the help of a supercomputer as smart as a human, five men take to the moon seeking the "monolith," holding the secrets to the next phase in human evolution.



Actual Reality: In the year 2001, with the help of supercomputers, men take down their pants, exposing their moons, seeking internet porn, holding the secrets to the next phase in human masturbation.



Prediction's Validity: Story checks out.

Movie: Escape from New York
Year Released: 1981



Future Prediction: In the year 1998, a wall has been erected around the island of Manhattan, which now exists purely as an enormous, maximum-security prison. The government enlists in the aid of a criminal to rescue the President, as well as to recover a politically sensitive audio cassette tape, when Air Force One goes down inside.

Actual Reality: In the year 1998, the government enlists in the aid of a criminal to rescue the President's reputation when a White House Intern goes down inside. Cassette tapes, however, are being fast replaced by compact discs.



Prediction's Validity: False.

Movie: Robocop
Year Released: 1987



Predicted Reality: In the year 1997, Detroit has become a cesspool of crime and violence in the wake of economic collapse. With millions of dollars in taxpayer money, the Detroit Police department acquires a cybernetic soldier.

Actual Reality: In the year 1997, Detroit has become a cesspool of crime and violence in the wake of economic collapse. With millions of dollars in taxpayer money, the Detroit Police department acquires new squadcars with power seats and windows.



Prediction's Reality: Close enough.

Movie: Conquest of the Planet of the Apes
Year Released: 1972



Predicted Reality: In the year 1991, after being enslaved by humans, apes revolt in a violent revolution.

Actual Reality: In the year 1991, the Nintendo Robot, after being enslaved by humans, revolts by never working to begin with.



Prediction's Reality: Not even close.

Movie: Timecop
Year Released: 1994



Future Prediction: In the year 2004, time travel exists, and a corrupt politician devises a scheme to use it in order to make himself President, forcing our country to respond to this crisis with the best they have to offer - Jean Claude Van Damme.



Actual Reality: In the year 2004, Joe Stapleton witnesses Jean Claude Van Damme arguing with his girlfriend about the price of socks at a Robinson's May clearance sale (this is completely true), meanwhile a corrupt politician inexplicably becomes President (again).



Prediction's Validity: I think I may have stumbled onto something.

If this blog gets taken down by the GOP - somebody get Van Damme on the horn...

Little Miss Unexpressed Thought

It's really hard for me to do the group "let's watch a movie" thing. I don't really see the point.

For most people, I think what they really mean when they say they want to watch a movie, is that they want to play the "Movie Quote Game" or the "Movie Game." I don't think they actually want to watch a movie. They want to quote lines from movies, and talk about all the other movies various actors and actresses have been in.

I think what most people actually want to do, is sit around on The Internet Movie Database and talk about all the movies someone has been in:

"Who's that old guy? What else has he been in?"
"He's in all those Wes Anderson movies. You know, like the one with Cate Blanchett."
"Was she the one who was in that movie with Kevin Spacey?"
"No, that was Laura Linney. You know the one who's in that new movie with Ryan Phillipe."
"He was saw awesome in that movie with Benicio Del Toro."
"Did you know his first movie was Big Top Pee-Wee?"

ENOUGH!!! We just missed three minutes of the movie we're currently watching. The problem is that I know most of the answers to these questions, and it also bugs me to have to sit there and listen to people get them wrong.

Herein lies the problem for me. I don't see any point to watching a movie, but for one of three reasons:

1) There is a gratuitous amount of sex/nudity.
2) I've seen it one or more times before, and I like it.
3) I've never seen it before, and I want to.

The point is that I usually want to watch the movie.

In the first case, it's pretty self-explanatory why groups don't work, and I like to watch alone. Or at the very least under a blanket. Come to think of it, a group might actually work, but it would then begin to closely resemble the kind of movie I'm talking about.

For the second, when talking about a group setting, it's usually some "go-to" movie like Office Space, Super Troopers, or Wet Hot American summer, during which what erupts is a battle to see who can belt out the (usually wrong) lines the fastest. Even though this is pretty excruciating, since I already know all the (correct) lines - I can usually deal with it because I'm not really missing anything. I've seen them all a hundred times.

The third case is what occurred last night.

My roommate and two of his girlfriends all wanted to watch "Little Miss Sunshine." This is a movie I've been meaning to see for a while, and just haven't gotten around to. I think even though I wanted to see it, when multiple people tell me I have to see a particular movie, I tend to drag my feet a bit. I still have never seen Schindler's List.

So what was my response to my roommates request to watch? "Absolutely not."
Girl #1: "Have you ever seen it before?"
Joe: "No."
Girl #1: "Ohmygod. You have to see it."
Joe: "I know. I want to. I've heard it's very good. I just--"

I just know how much you guys talked during the credits to Mallrats the other night. I can't imagine what I'm in for here.

Sam: "--It's cool, guys. Let's just watch something else."
Joe: "No, no. It's fine. I don't want to break up the party. I'll watch."

I will give my review of it now: I think it might have been pretty decent. I don't know because I missed a lot of it. But luckily, I was able to salvage the script for most of the movie that I did see.

And that movie was entitled "Little Miss Unexpressed Thought."

INT. - JOE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

REBECCA
Seriously, you guys are going to love this movie.

DIANE
Oh, Steve Carrel is in this? I think I'm in love with him.

SAM
Do you know how I know you're gay?

REBECCA
He's gay in this movie.

DIANE
Do you guys ever watch The Office?

REBECCA
Oh my God, that show is so funny.

DIANE
This movie totally has an I Heart Huckabees feel to it. I like it.

ON THE SCREEN, JOE HAPPENS TO HEAR SOMETHING ABOUT NINE STEPS AND A HOSPITAL.

CUT TO:

INT. JOE'S LIVING ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

REBECCA
Don't you just love this house? Look at how the chairs don't even match.

DIANE
And she's giving everyone Sprite!

SAM
Those glases are from McDonald's. I remember those.

DIANE
Oh, we had the Garfield ones. We still do.

SAM
Really? I don't remember those.

DIANE
Yeah, the big orange cat, you know?

SAM
I still have some of the old Happy Meal Toys.

THE TELEVISION SCREEN MENTIONS SOMETHING ABOUT A LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE COMPETITION. JOE GETS UP TO GO TO THE BATHROOM HOPING THE CONVERSATION ABOUT MCDONALDS SOUVENIR GLASSWARE WILL END BY THE TIME HE'S BACK.

CUT TO:

INT. JOE'S LIVING ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

REBECCA
I'm pretty sure the Mom is British.

DIANE
Really? What else is she in?

REBECCA
The Sixth Sense, but all those British movies like Bridget Jones' Diary.

DIANE
Wow. She does a great American accent.

REBECCA
Clive Owen does a pretty good one.

DIANE
Jude Law's really sucks. He was so bad in I Heart Huckabees.

REBECCA
I liked that movie.

DIANE
I hate the Dad is this.

REBECCA
Don't worry. You'll like him by the end.

CUT TO:

INT. JOE'S LIVING ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

REBECCA
Oh my God, she is so cute.

SAM
So cute.

DIANE
So cute.

REBECCA
I think you know the Grandpa is going to
die from that tree poster in the background.

DIANE
You do?

REBECCA
Yeah, that tree symbolizes death. There
is such great symbolism in this movie.

SAM
The Grandpa dies?

REBECCA
Yeah, right here.

ON THE SCREEN, A DOCTOR ENTERS THE FRAME TO TELL THE FAMILY THAT THE GRANDPA IS DEAD.

JOE

Do you think that maybe you knew the Grandpa was
going to die because you've seen the movie before?
Because that's how I knew. Because someone who's
already seen the movie just told me before it happened.

AT THIS, THE ROOM BECOMES SILENT FROM JOE'S "ANGRY" COMMENT.

CUT TO:

INT. JOE'S LIVING ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

SAM
He looks pretty good with a beard.

REBECCA
Who is that?

SAM
That's the Dad from Malcolm in the Middle

DIANE
I totally did not even recognize him.

REBECCA
That's totally obscure that you would even notice that!

SAM
Yup, the Dad from Malcolm in the Middle.

DIANE
Yeah, totally, the Dad from Malcolm in the Middle.

REBECCA
So weird that that Dad from Malcolm in the Middle is in this.

JOE
Bryan Cranston. His name is Bryan Crantson.

CUT TO:

INT. JOE'S LIVING ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

REBECCA
Isn't this so crazy, this beauty pageant stuff?

DIANE
Yeah, it's really like this.

REBECCA
I know, I saw this episode of Maury about it.

DIANE
Those girls are so creepy. They look like little midgets.

REBECCA
Yes. That's exactly what they look like, little midgets.

SAM
Is that the girl from 24?

REBECCA
Yeah, and she was in Road Trip.

DIANE
And she was the sister in Punch Drunk Love.

SAM
I bet Joe knows her name. Joe?

JOE
Yeah. I know it.

SAM
What is it?

DIANE
What a weird role for her to play.

JOE
Well, it is a FOX movie.

SAM
What's that mean?

JOE
Well, like any other job when you're on a FOX TV show,
when movie roles come up they tend to get their actors
in-house, rather than--

REBECCA
--you guys should totally see that episode of Maury.

CUT TO:

INT. JOE'S LIVING ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER

REBECCA
See, don't you like the Dad so much better now?

THE CREDITS ROLL.

REBECCA
Wasn't that, like, the best movie ever?

DIANE
It was good, but anyone who says that was a life-
changing movie has never seen a life-changing movie.

THE LIGHTS COME UP AND WE...

FADE OUT:

Either way, I give "Little Miss Unexpressed Thought" two thumbs up. I agreed that Bryan Cranston did look good with a beard. I knew exactly which Garfield cups she was talking about. And the name of the chick from 24 is Mary Lynn Rajskub.

As far as "Little Miss Sunshine" goes, I actually completely agreed with Diane's last statement, although I don't know how anyone who paid so little attention to a movie would even be able to tell if it were life-changing or not.

It'd be like going to the Olive Garden, filling up on unlimited salad and breadsticks, and then saying your "Tour of Italy" wasn't so hot.

Whoah. Hang on a second. Come to think of it, in Little Miss Sunshine, the main character's name was Olive. What symbolism! This is even better than the death-tree-poster.

If I ever watch this movie again, I'll be sure to point it out.

How to Hyde from a Good Time...!

This week I went to a place called “Hyde.” Hyde is the bar of the decade of the week here in Los Angeles. All those videos and pictures you see, from the paparazzi, where Colin Farrell is out looking for some hoo-hoo, Paris Hilton is talking about Lindsay Lohan’s hoo-hoo, or Britney Spears accidentally flashing her hoo-hoo – they’re all taken when people are either coming or going - from Hyde.

You could say that the guest list at Hyde is a veritable “Who’s Hoo-hoo.”

My roommate Sam’s friend is a model. As a gift for letting her stay with us, The Model decided she would take us to Hyde, even though we don’t have hoo-hoo’s, which, according to her is difficult. I wouldn't think it'd be that tough at 10:3o on a Tuesday, but apparently I was wrong.

That was the first of many lessons I learned on this evening. The first of many, I hope to impart on you, the reader. Enjoy.

How To Get Into The Club:

Have a friend who is a model. Or an actress. Or a slut. Or all three. In this town that can sometimes be as good as being a celebrity. Then, get her to get some dude who’s wrapped around her finger to get you in.

(Before I lose more friends as a result of this blog, let me specify that The Model is only two out of the three.)

I can’t give away every secret about how we got in, but the girls went in on their own, and I will only say (this is COMPLETELY true) that our entry involved meeting a stranger at a Coffee Bean, purchasing three hot chocolates, and bribing the door men with them – at which point they let Sam, myself, and The Stranger in without even checking our ID’s.

How To Dress:

Once inside we met a couple of The Model’s friends. Guys. Now, after seeing these guys, I realized that The Model hadn’t made herself perfectly clear when she instructed me on how to dress: Apparently, to hang out at Hyde, you either need to dress nice, or dress like you’re circa 1890’s British street urchin.

I’m sure the guy’s black t-shirt, army surplus jacket, raggedy school cap, and fingerless gloves probably all went for upwards of a grand at some retro-tique, but all in all, it made him look like the vagabond kid from “Santa Claus: The Movie.”



Bathroom Ettiquette:

Fingerless Gloves and his friend were in the bathroom, jabberjawing about how bad the DJ was, when his friend started giving him shit for not washing his hands.

(To be perfectly honest, I’m pretty ambivalent to men’s room handwashing. Don’t get me wrong, I do it, but I don’t care whether or not other people do. If you think about it, they touch their penises, then the faucet – which has already been touched by several other penis-hands. So if a guy walks out without washing up, you’re getting one penis. If he washes, you’re getting God-knows how many. Either way you slice it, our hands are all fucking dirty all the time anyway. Get over it.)

But, back to Fingerless Gloves. His friend’s guilt trip eventually caused him to run his hands under the water for a bit. Fair enough. But, in what might have been the most amazing thing I’ve seen in a long time, he washed his hands without removing the fingerless gloves.

Maybe he only washed his fingers. Maybe his $700 fingerless gloves were waterproof. I don’t know. All I knew is that as cool as that guy thought he was, he had just washed his hands while wearing gloves. That had to put me a notch above him.

How To Interact With Women:

It’s amazing how well a man can do with women when they think he might be somebody - but especially when they want him to be somebody. I say this, because I was looked up and down more times tonight than I ever have been before in my life - except for my last trip to San Francisco (but I don’t think that counts considering I was in a “Bear Bar”).

There are of course the truly horrible girls who make eyes at you until they realize you aren’t someone “important” and then they take those eyes and roll them, but most of them aren’t really that bad at heart.

Your Average Hyde Girl:

She is a terribly sweet person. She’s super nice, but she’s been a hot chick for a long time now. Going out is her “work.” She’s got to say hi to the right people, flirt with the right people, and she always has to keep one eye on the door. Then, right when you’re about to hit the punchline of a really solid joke, somebody “important” will walk in, and you will become invisible just long enough for them to exchange a couple of air-cheek kisses, a few half hearted promises to hang out soon, and once the two have left earshot of one another they each will mutter, “God, I hate that person.”

I always said that I can’t blame the girls in this city. Should they turn down peoples’ offers to fly them around the world and drink and party all the time? No fucking way. Can I run with that crowd? No fucking way. When we’re all hanging out together, our two groups blend together seamlessly enough, but it always seems like the people from that side of the tracks are never actually having any fun.

They’re all pretty nice for the most part, but it takes something ridiculous to thrill these people. They’re not terribly whiney, but they’re always talking about how the club is always more fun on other nights, or that some other jumpoff is really blowing up that night, and saying things like “this place was really awesome on Sunday. Richard Hatch was here. It was totally off the chain.”

How To Interpret Signals:

As opposed to all the times I’ve lied about or hallucinated it, girls were genuinely checking me out. Alright, there was still once time that I must have been hallucinating it, because as I walked toward one girl I was sure was giving me the eye, she gave me the most forced, mouth-closed smile of all time. It could have been that I was wrong, or maybe she was just disappointed that when I got up close she could finally see that I wasn’t Jamie Kennedy.



How To Have A Good Time:

But in the end, when I’m not drinking, I’m only having as good a time as the people around me. And the people around me spent the hours between 11pm – 1am watching the door, trying to decide if we should go somewhere else, talking about “we should have gone to Teddy’s.” Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when Nicole Ritchie showed up, and it was finally cool enough for us to stick around.

Most of my night was spent being introduced to people who could get “on all the good lists,” and listening to stories of things that had happened there on nights gone by. And it was when I considered this that I realized the trick:

No one can have fun the first time. They’ve got no other nights to talk about and say how much better those nights were! See, next time I go there, I will have already been there once. That way, I’ll be able to talk about how much better it was that last time I was there.

How To Communicate With Females:

Girl: So I was just about to break up with that guy over there, and then he’s like “Let me fly you to Barbados for your birthday.”
Joe: Oh, that’s fantastic. We have so much in common – first both of our bodies are
composed of 70% water, both of our parents have children, and now we have Barbados!
Girl: --blank stare—
Joe: Nevermind.
Girl: OMG, did you see the Night at The Museum? The guy who played one of the Ronan
Soldier guys is here and he totally stalks me.

How To Leave ‘Em Wanting More:

On the way out, I had to walk past one particular girl who, to me, appeared to be one of the most attractive in the place, as I had noticed her far earlier in the evening - partially because, oddly enough, she appeared to be having fun. As I walked past her, she took her scarf and tickled me with it as I walked by. I stopped to say hello, and in response she said “I really loved you in Malibu’s Most Wanted!”

Alright. That didn’t happen. But I did completely let it go. I wanted to leave Hyde on a high note, and by “high” I don’t mean Nicole Ritchie.

How To Not Be A Hater In A Club Where You’re Not Having That Great Of A Time. But You Want To Make Sure It’s Actually The Club And The Other People That Suck And Not Just You:

Honestly, I’m not that big of a hater. I just see a lot of humor in the world. I guess what I’m saying is, “It’s not you, Hyde. It’s me.”

All in all, the place wasn’t that bad. No one was particularly mean, or pretentious, and the staff were all very, very nice. It just wasn’t very fun. Under different circumstances, I probably would have had a great time. Had I gone with different people, or had the people I was there with not left a conversation with me mid-sentence in order to say hi to Jack Osbourne, or if I had been completely hammered, I might have had a blast.

Either that or a pair of fingerless gloves.

Martin's Movie Marathon Monday

Being that I'm white, and have had everything I've ever wanted handed to me on a silver platter, Martin Luther King Jr. hasn't done a whole lot for me, specifically.

Jesus Christ, yes, hold on a second! Yes, he has bettered the world, and I am a part of that world, but honestly, I'd be the biggest poser who ever lived if I didn't say that the most direct effect impacted upon my life from Dr. King's work is the day off. But don't worry! I made sure to spend the day doing something multicultural:

I went to the movies. All day.

What's multicultural about that? Well, I went to see them at Universal City Walk.

I learned a lot , and even exacted a few lessons from Dr. MLKJR himself.

Maybe you will too.

Movie #1 - Children of Men

Synopsis: Clive Owens plays an unconventionally handsome man in a world without children or razor blades. He and his five o'clock shadow are charged with securing the safety of the first woman in 18 years able to conceive a child. The movie does require a bit of suspension of disbelief, considering the science fiction-esque subject matter, though it's not at all difficult to believe that the first chick to get pregnant in two decades is an unwed black woman.

Review: I'm almost positive that there were at least 10-12 people attending this showing who weren't aware that we were in public. Their reviews were as follows "Oh my God, I love this song!" "Gross." "Cute!" "Can you pass the popcorn?"

Martin Luther King Jr. Day Life Lessons Learned: From the title, I originally thought buying a ticket for this movie would put me on some sort of FBI/NAMBLA watch list. After seeing it, I learned that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Thank you, Dr. King.

Additionally, the chick behind me who talked incessantly actually said "bless you" to me when I sneezed. I am not complaining about this, even though I think she only said it because she hadn't said anything for nearly three and a half minutes, and I think she was happy for the free pass. Regardless, a "bless you" is a-ok in my book, and it totally wiped the slate clean.

I don't know much about his sneezing policies, but I'm 90% positive Dr. King would have agreed with this as well.

Movie #2 - Stomp The Yard

Synopsis: Someone took the "They're Breakdance Fighting!" scene from Zoolander and made a movie about it. Totally unbelieveable "kid from the streets" of rough and tumble LA seeks to make good at "Truth University." (which apparently is not only a presitigious fictional school for African Americans, but also wages war, guerilla style against "Big Tobacco") He's also got his sights set on avenging his brother's death by being the best tap dancer in all of Georgia.

Review: I'm going to let my roommate Sam handle this one. "Children of Men? Didn't really do anything for me. This movie, though. This movie got me really pumped. I'll probably buy it."

Sam's Top Five Favorite Movies:

#5 - Jack Johnson Live in Concert
#4 - Dude Where's My Car?
#3 - Armageddon
#2 - Out Cold
#1 - Rad

Martin Luther King Jr. Day Life Lessons Learned: I'm not going to lie. This movie had me just a bit out of my element. Had I rented this, I would not known when and where to react. However, as I mentioned before, since I saw this at Universal City Walk I viewed this picture while surrounded by people of various (pun intended!) "walks" of life. These people served as my multicultural guides as to when I should laugh, cheer, applaud, or yell "Oh, snap!" The audience was so animated, in fact, that in the middle of the movie, Michael Richards got up and walked out.

I also learned that if you dance better than someone, you could get MURDERED.


Movie #3 - Alpha Dog

Synopsis: Two of the kids from "The Girl Next Door," the kid from "Outside Providence," and one of the kids from 'N Sync get into some trouble when they get cooked on the wacky tobbacc-y and decide it'll be a good idea to kidnap the younger brother of a guy who forgot to chip in for his share of a pizza.

Review: All you have to do is have rich, negligent parents who place no boundaries on you whatsoever. If you can't do that, get kidnapped by children of said parents (even the kid who gets kidnapped makes it with two chicks at the same time)! All in all, this movie was pretty damn interesting, and is a fantastic how-to for having fun and getting laid in your youth.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day Life Lessons Learned: This movie was a real wakeup call for me. Even though they were just visual afterthoughts expressed by way of title cards at the end of a two hours peek into a glamorous life of crime, the movie eventually explains that most of the people involved went to jail - thereby proving that even in America, someone can commit a crime so heinous that they can go to prison - no matter how rich or how white they are.

Movie #4 - Pan's Labyrinth

Synopsis: Set in the 1940's Spanish countryside, in the aftermath of civil war, a little girl finds escape from her ruthless, militant step father by losing herself in a real-life fairy tale.

Review: I was just happy to finally see a movie with the word Labyrinth in the title that didn't star David Bowie's member. Honestly, ask any girl, aged 22-28, what her favorite childhood movies are, and she will list "Labyrinth." Some might say that's because it's a great movie, but I contest that it is, in fact, largely due to David Bowie's dominating "presence" on screen. Yes, of course I know that the girls watching that movie were way to young to be aware of any sort of sexual nature within them. I know that. That's how powerful it is. Seriously.

Oh, yeah, Pan's Labyrinth was pretty decent.



Martin Luther King Jr. Day Life Lessons Learned: I found myself getting really mad at the Mexican girl who got into a shooshing match with someone who had shooshed her chatty ass. At first I thought "Hey, it's a movie with subtitles, maybe the noise won't matter."

Turns out it did, so then I thought "Man, I wish I that Mexican chick would just SHUT UP."

And then I remembered it was Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It's a day for us all to be a little more tolerant, and a little more open minded. So, I took a moment to rethink my previous statement, and I ended up going with "Man, I wish that fat chick would just shut up."

Dr. King would have been proud.

Horoscopes By Joe!

I could not believe just how dead on my Yahoo! Horoscope was today:

"New inventions and so-crazy-it-just-might-work ideas are on your mind."

In all seriousness, this was my first reaction:

"No. Not really. "

And then, as I often times did as a frustrated child with jigsaw pieces, I jammed two things together, making them fit where they really did not.

My second reaction:

"Wait. Hm. Shit. You know what? It does fit."

And two seconds later, when I realized that I had done what dum-dums do, my third reaction was:

"I wonder how many people this would actually apply to. Certainly all the people who were born during late September and early October. But certainly almost anyone else."

And then my fourth reaction was, of course, anger - like when I cried at the end of Armageddon. Anger, directed at the fact that I was driven to have an emotion from something so stupid:

"Has Yahoo! been reading my emails? Or maybe even my thoughts? I mean, seriously! How else could they know about my "just-might-work scheme!?" How could a horoscope be so damn accurrate!?!?"

I might as well do them myself...


Aries
3/21-4/19

"Today would be a good day to stop doing that thing about yourself that you know you shouldn't be doing."


Taurus
4/20-5/20

"Laughter and fun are two things you may or may not enjoy. "


Gemini
5/21-6/21

"People are talking about you behind your back. But don't worry, it's mostly good. Also some bad."


Cancer
6/22-7/22

"Lately, you've been really focused on your own affairs. It's almost as if the most important person in your life is you."


Leo
7/23-8/22

"Money will be a big factor today. You will need it to by most things, unless you have a gift certificate."


Virgo
8/23-9/22

"Sometimes you just don't understand 'people.' Also, if you have a crush on someone let them know today!"


Libra
9/23-10/22

"You can do no wrong today. Unless you actually do. Also, people may or may not misinterpret your 'right' as their 'wrong."


Scorpio
10/23-11/21

"You've been debating contacting someone from your past. Or is it your future?"


Sagittarius
11/22-12/21

"Gravity will play a large role in your life in the coming weeks. Don't go expecting to be floating around anytime soon."


Capricorn
12/22-1/19

"You are extremely susceptible to gunshot wounds today. You aren't any more likely to be shot than normal, but if you are, it will hurt. A lot."


Aquarius
1/20-2/18

"Food is a definite priority for you today. If you don't eat regularly, you may get cranky or fatigued."


Pisces
2/19-3/20

"Your body is composed of 70% H20 today. But, be careful! That doesn't mean you can breathe under water, silly!"



N.B. - Please pay careful attention to your horoscope, and your horoscope only. These predictions are highly specific to the 1/12 of the population they apply to. If you mistakenly read someone else's, I cannot be held responsible for the confusion and the tragedy that is sure to unfold.

Honestly. Let's say for a second that I even believe in horoscopes and astrology. Well, you can bet your sweet chakras that I'm do, and the only place I can recommend, for the #1 source on the net for the macabre, the outre, and the black arts - Yahoo.com.

For more from Yahoo! Astrology, be sure to check out:

Yahoo! Astrology - but check it at your own risk!!!!

Christmas in Upstate New York: By The Numbers

As you may or may not know, I come from a land down under. A land of rolling thunder.

Hold on.

Let me turn off my iTunes.

Sorry.

I am originally from upstate New York. A lot of people don't know what this means. It's about the same as assuming someone from Israel lives in the desert. But, people from New York know the difference. I've actually had this conversation with someone (and subsequently almost punched him in the mouth for being such an arrogant prick):

Neighbor guy who uninvitedly walked into my apartment: "Hey, who here is from NY?"
Me: "Um, me and my brother."
Guy: "Where from?"
Me: "Albany."
Guy: --snorting noise-- "That's not New York. I'm from Queens."
Me: --standing up out of my chair-- "Oh, really? Because I'm pretty sure that I had a New York licence plate..."

As defensive as I got, upstate, although it is still part of New York, is insanely different from New York City.

I, in fact, call it "Alabama with snow." It's shotguns, buffets, racism, and country music.

More and more, my hometown, and the people in it are becoming the answer to the following questions: "Who in the world would ever like/buy/watch this garbage!?"

Why is Night at the Museum the #1 movie for three weeks in a row? Upstate New York.
Why did Arrested Development get cancelled? Upstate New York.
Why is there a Dunkin' Donuts across the street from that other Dunkin' Donuts? Upstate New York.

Anyways, I did a little research on it, and here are some statistics I gathered while home in Upstate New York:

4 - Number of times I saw a Dunkin' Donuts within sight of another Dunkin' Donuts

5 – Number of people who thought my “EVENT STAFF” t-shirt actually meant I was in charge of something at the mall (even though it said “City of West Hollywood” on the front)

11 – Number of hospital trips/surgical procedures explained to me in detail by members of my family, which included but was not limited to:


3 – EKG’s
2 – Knee drainings
2 – hysterectomies
1.5 – swollen feet

0 – Number of times the priest at the Catholic Church thanked its parishioners for their monetary donations
6 – Number of times the priest at the Catholic Church mentioned collection baskets in one form or another

2 – Number of “Ruby Tuesday’s” in my hometown

8 – Number of Long Island Iced Teas consumed by the staff of one of the aforementioned “Ruby Tuesday’s” after I mentioned that I’d “buy them a round”

45 – Number of minutes wait to get a table at an “Applebee’s” on a Friday night

4 – Number of times I was asked if I’ve ever heard of “that MySpace”

2 – Number of times I heard a girl at TGIFriday’s giggle after her boyfriend called her stupid

5 – Number of shrimp that come in a TGIFriday’s delicious Jack Daniels Sampler

3 – Number of people I heard complain about Southwest Airlines while on the plane
$99 – Average price of a Southwest one way ticket

70 – percentage of my family members who think it’s clever to refer to California as “the left coast”

4 – number of “stain resistant” Dockers I got for Christmas after asking for "nice" clothes

1100 – Number of dollars I found “hidden” in my Grandmother’s silverware drawer under the forks

4 – Number of times per day that my father watches the local news

1 – Number of times I saw my creepy pediatrician at the airport
100 – Percentage of time said pediatrician checked me “down below” when I went in for a sore throat

.7 – Number of years of business of favorite eatery: Hong Kong Century Bakery Taco
Hong Kong Century Bakery Taco Menu:
#1 – Hot Dog
#2 – Fajita
#3 – Hot Dog Fajitas

2 – Number of family members who have been in and out of jail since my last visit
3.5 – average number of months served

22 – Number of times I found myself talking baby talk to my parents’ cat

59 – Percentage of time my parents’ television is spent tuned to the DirecTV guide

35+ - Number of girls I was rejected by in high school who this year made sure history repeated itself, even while intoxicated
7 – Number of nights I considered trying to find a shady massage parlor

1 - Number of blogs that I thought I could squeak out of this "hilarious" premise

Ego

Ego is dangerous. What makes it so is its ability to mislead and blind its ever-willing host. I feel bad for people with egos that are so large that it blinds them to the truths in their lives - truths obvious to everyone else around them. Self confidence is one thing. But pure ego; conspicuous, false ego, bred from hot, wet, dark places - from the stomach of insecurity - will do nothing but prove you a fool. And you'll be the last to realize it.

Relationship Resumes

My new job has been keeping me pretty well occupied over the last week or so. As in - work, sort of eat, sleep - repeat. So while I have ten minutes before I leave, I thought I'd shoot out a quick blog. If the quality of this blog isn't up to the standards that you are used to from me (which very well may be low - and this could be a waste of e-text-breath), sorry.

I decided the other day that anyone who plans on being romantically involved with anyone - ever in life - should have to present their prospective significant other with a relationship resume. People would be forced to exchanged these resumes before entering into any kind of exclusive arrangement - i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend, boyfriend/boyfriend, girlfriend/girlfriend, boy-girlfriend/boyfriend, and on and on we go. These would be shown before you decided to "go steady" - to use the parlance of 80's and 90's high school sitcoms. You can date all you want, shove your tongue, penis, boobs, whatever, in as many people's mouths as you want to before producing this literature. But if monogamy is to be, you must produce a relationship resume.

Many of you may be thinking, well, I'm on e-harmony right now, it's just like that. No it's not. Who cares if you're a "smoker" or "non-smoker" - "Like Going to Museums" - or your favorite song is "Dancing on the Ceiling" by Lionel Richie. Unfortunately, none of this tells me jack shit about who you REALLY are in a relationship. I will know if you're a smoker, like museums and Lionel Richie within a few dates. What I won't know, what you won't tip me off to, even after many dates, maybe a year of living together, or until it's the time of the season, is whether you have the stomach to stab me with an icepick. And I need to know this. Because as you'll see from my relationship resume; I don't have the cleanest track record ever. I'm all for full disclosure. Below please find my relationship resume. Feel free to post yours in the comment section underneath (I know that in order to do this you have to sign up for a blogger account, and that it takes 36 seconds, however the fact that you've made it this far into the blog, hell the fact that you even visit this blog, means that you have those precious ticks to spare.) So do it. Do it right after you read mine.

I'm leaving off details of my current relationship because truthfully, you shouldn't have a relationship resume unless you're actively looking. Mine is a mock up. This is what Alexandra would have seen before we started dating. If relationship resumes were a prerequisite.


SCOTT B. HUFF
26 years-old
5'11"
175 lbs,
Scorpio (if you care) and if you do - you're fucking nuts
----------------------------

Past Relationship Experience

April 2002-Aug 2004 - Semi-Serious Relationship - With a Girl - Same Age - Boston, MA to Los Angeles, CA

- Coddled a princess personality
- Dealt with the deception, irrational behavior, psychotic tendancies associated with people with serious mental problems
- Sexual partner
- Met the parents
- Cheated first
- Was cheated on later
- Managed to stay faithful through three months of long distance - though I had already cheated before that (does that count?)
- Made her cry
- Did the on again off again thing until things ended with an ugly writing off of one another. (You could say I was the dumpee)
- She regrets that it's over.

June-2002-Sept. 2003 - Fling - With a Girl - Older - Boston, MA

- Low maintenance relationship (first ever)
- Sexual partner
- Never cheated (didn't really have time though)
- I gave her mediocre gifts
- Broke up with her
- Tried booty calls later

-----------------------
SKILLS

Sense of humor, sensitivity, so scared of hurting someones feelings that I will wait until they dump me. Proficient in Microsoft office.

--------------------
SETBACKS

Messy, tempramental (when caffeinated), career obsessed, once enduced an attempted vehicular homicide from a girl after claiming to be "The Lord" - this was of course my respnse to her questioning why I thought it was okay to ignore her phone calls.

-----------------------

REFERENCES

Girl T. Girl - 555-555-6655
Chick Date - 1-800-555-6772


I would be even more outspoken, but I really don't want anyone stabbing me with an icepick. I'd love to see some others. If this wasn't MY blog, I likely would have given the entire skinny. Perhaps I will update later. Anyhow, just imagine how much easier your decisions would be if you had relationship resumes to peruse.

Girls: Fax your resumes to Joe: maladjusted girls only please. If you are too normal you will not be considered.

Who I Spent New Year's Eve With...

I was fortunate enough to have a very sweet, generous friend take me to a New Year's Eve party at Pure, in Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas.

Let me tell you...even though I'm not typically one to brag, I spent my last and first moments of 2006 and 2007 , respectively, with someone quite famous, and someone I'm just dying to let the world know about.

We formed a very special bond, and I think we'll be friends forever...

And that very famous person...

...was none other than...

...EX-YANKEE SECOND BASEMAN EDWARD CHARLES "CHUCK" KNOBLAUCH!!!!!



I don't know how this guy wasn't the official party "host" at Pure this year, but apparently some people think that Britney Spears is more befitting of such a title. I really don't know what kind of world we are living in.

Here are the 5 reasons why Chuck Knoblauch is better than Britney Spears:

1) After winning a World Series with the Minnesota Twins in 1991, Chuck openly requested to be traded, causing him to be more hated in Minnesota than Kirby Puckett's opthalmologist.

2) While on the Yankees, during a playoff game against the Cleveland Indians, Chuck was so passionate about and devoted to the aforementioned Yankees, that he did not even bother to wait until a play was over before arguing with the umpires regarding a call. The argument directly led to the Indians victory.

3) While I attempted to get his autograph at a game as a child, Chuck stared directly through me, not even noticing my existence. It was years later that my father explained to me a woman, in the kind of skirt you need two haircuts to wear, was sitting just a few rows behind me, with her legs draped over the seats in front of her.

4) Toward the end of his career, Chuck became increasingly less capable of accurately throwing the ball to first base (from his career-long position of second base).

During one of said throwing errors, Chuck missed first base by such a great distance, his throw struck the face of sportscaster Keith Olberman's mother, who was attending the game - and as a testament to his mistake, had only slightly above average seats. This mental problem, commonly referred to as "the yips" prompted Yankees manager Joe Torre to move him into right field, and eventually retirement.

5) In the end, there's only one reason why he overshadows the other megalo-celebrities who could be found in the club that night (Britney, Britney's 27 friends, some guy named John Tucker, Shannon Elizabeth (who is a total fox in person, and was insanely nice even though one of my drunken friends kept spilling drinks on her), and that chick with the beard that Carmen Electra used to be married to).

And that reason is that after yet another one of my particularly fruitless nights of trying to find a floozie to make out with in a Vegas club, Chuck Knoblauch was too drunk to understand what I was saying when I heralded him with the following toast:

"To the Yankees! To 2007! And to us! Two guys who, since the late 90's, have a really, really hard time getting to first!"

Happy New Year, all!