Who I Spent New Year's Eve With...

I was fortunate enough to have a very sweet, generous friend take me to a New Year's Eve party at Pure, in Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas.

Let me tell you...even though I'm not typically one to brag, I spent my last and first moments of 2006 and 2007 , respectively, with someone quite famous, and someone I'm just dying to let the world know about.

We formed a very special bond, and I think we'll be friends forever...

And that very famous person...

...was none other than...

...EX-YANKEE SECOND BASEMAN EDWARD CHARLES "CHUCK" KNOBLAUCH!!!!!



I don't know how this guy wasn't the official party "host" at Pure this year, but apparently some people think that Britney Spears is more befitting of such a title. I really don't know what kind of world we are living in.

Here are the 5 reasons why Chuck Knoblauch is better than Britney Spears:

1) After winning a World Series with the Minnesota Twins in 1991, Chuck openly requested to be traded, causing him to be more hated in Minnesota than Kirby Puckett's opthalmologist.

2) While on the Yankees, during a playoff game against the Cleveland Indians, Chuck was so passionate about and devoted to the aforementioned Yankees, that he did not even bother to wait until a play was over before arguing with the umpires regarding a call. The argument directly led to the Indians victory.

3) While I attempted to get his autograph at a game as a child, Chuck stared directly through me, not even noticing my existence. It was years later that my father explained to me a woman, in the kind of skirt you need two haircuts to wear, was sitting just a few rows behind me, with her legs draped over the seats in front of her.

4) Toward the end of his career, Chuck became increasingly less capable of accurately throwing the ball to first base (from his career-long position of second base).

During one of said throwing errors, Chuck missed first base by such a great distance, his throw struck the face of sportscaster Keith Olberman's mother, who was attending the game - and as a testament to his mistake, had only slightly above average seats. This mental problem, commonly referred to as "the yips" prompted Yankees manager Joe Torre to move him into right field, and eventually retirement.

5) In the end, there's only one reason why he overshadows the other megalo-celebrities who could be found in the club that night (Britney, Britney's 27 friends, some guy named John Tucker, Shannon Elizabeth (who is a total fox in person, and was insanely nice even though one of my drunken friends kept spilling drinks on her), and that chick with the beard that Carmen Electra used to be married to).

And that reason is that after yet another one of my particularly fruitless nights of trying to find a floozie to make out with in a Vegas club, Chuck Knoblauch was too drunk to understand what I was saying when I heralded him with the following toast:

"To the Yankees! To 2007! And to us! Two guys who, since the late 90's, have a really, really hard time getting to first!"

Happy New Year, all!