Do I have a girlfriend? No. I don't eat the stumps.

Some people at work get mad when people don't eat the stumps. Everyone remembers that famous Seinfeld episode where they talk about how people only eat the tops of muffins and leave the stumps behind. Well, that happens in real life. Some people get mad when they see the stumps.

I don't.

Think about it this way: the rule usually goes, if you touch it, it's yours. So, that person eats the part of the muffin he or she wants, and the rest is left behind. It's better than throwing the second half away - then it's a total waste. At least this way, there's a chance someone might enjoy the leftovers in some way, even if it's just a bite or two.

This is pretty much how I feel about relationships these days. Relationships are muffins. The good part of the relationship - the first 6 - 8 months - is the muffin top. The excitement, the long phone conversations, the surprise e-mail, the first time you realize she's into being choked during sex - that's all in the top. Anything after that is the stump.

The muffin's still good, but it's the same taste you've been eating all the way since that giant top, and it's starting to get a little old.

And it's sort of undercooked.

And you think you just got some of the paper in your mouth.

Then you realize all of a sudden, that maybe if you leave what's left of the stump, someone can maybe still get some enjoyment out of it.

And low and behold - you look in the kitchen, and there's a whole BOX of different kinds of muffins. There are so many you haven't tried yet, and you're almost full! What are you going to do?

And then suddenly you think to yourself -

"Boy, that was really stupid for me to decide this was the only muffin I'm going to eat for the rest of my life before trying at least a few more, but, oh well, I really love this muffin. I think I love it. I mean, I do, I do. And I could be happy with it for the rest of my life. Well, I mean, I think I could. I'm sure I could. Yeah. Lemon poppyseed. Yup. I'm totally good on that for the rest of my life. Funny. I always kinda pictured myself with a banana nut, but who knew the lemon poppyseed would be this good? Sure, I never even attempted the banana nut, but I'm prefectly happy with this lemon poppyseed. I mean, it's no banana nut, but it's a lot better than that one with the weird cinammon swirls from college. I could live like this and be happy. I could live with this. I mean, who's going to want to eat this stump? Probably no one. I owe it to this muffin to stick it out because it's been so delicious in my belly. If I close my eyes and pretend really hard, it ALMOST TASTES LIKE A BANANA NUT. I think I need a glass of milk."

All's I'm saying, is that I don't have a problem when people leave the stumps. It's a part of life. People should have what they want. Don't feel bad for the muffin. The muffin knows what it's getting into. You did it some good. You showed it what it was like to really be appreciated.

Plus, the muffin's last boyfriend was a dick.