Chris Grasso is a Modern Day Robin of the Hood

And that's not just because he wears a lot of hoodies.


Hoodie: Side View


Hoodie: Rear View

My roommate, Chris Grasso, is one of my closest friends. I lived with him once in college, and I live with him again now. He's truly one of those kids who can just put a smile on your face, even if you don't know why.


The Mark: Grasso: Making Us All Smile.

Chris' one drawback, if any, is that he is, well, um, a bit frugal. Some might say that he is just careful with his money.

This week, at the risk of missing the first few minutes of 24, Chris Grasso, for the first time in a LONG time, envoked the 3rd Commandment of Guy Friends: "You Fly, I Buy."


Taco Bell: The Unwitting Participant

Chris Grasso will not be doing this again for a long, long time.

Why?

Because in his blind passion to consume both Taco Bell and Jack Bauer at the same time, he made the mistake of giving me his debit card.


Big Mistake.

If there's one thing I'm really good at, as a friend, it's keeping quiet about something that bugs me, and then eventually retaliating in an immature, irritating, but ultimately harmless way.

In this case, I have been irritated by Chris' frugality for months now. He may or may not be aware of this, as I don't really ever confront him about it, though I do make snide comments fairly regularly. If not, I'm sure he's aware of it now.

Here's what Grasso asked me to order for him:

2 Cheesy Gordita Crunches
1 Cheese Quesadilla
1 Grilled Stuft Burrito

This is indicated by the top half of the receipt:


Receipt: Very Bottom Heavy

This isn't meant to make Grasso sound like a fatass. We do this whenever we go to Taco Bell. In much the same way I like to date girls who have small hands - in order to make my penis look bigger - we like to over-order at Taco Bell. It makes us feel like bigshots.


Joe Stapleton: Taco Millionaire

Luckily I had my trusty roommate/sidekick/hetero life partner, Sam, with me to asssit in this. I will say right now that Sam's first, second, and third reactions to this plan were "We shouldn't do this, Joe." But Sam also thinks it's a bad idea to meet girls off of Casual Encounters on Craig's List, so what the fuck does he know?


Sam: Anti-Internet Dating, Pro-Not Saying No to Joe

Upon closer inspection, the bottom half of the receipt, although not eloquently worded, tells the tale of the extra THIRTY items we ordered, in an attempt to run up Grasso's tab to over $50.


Mission: Accomplished

After ordering, we hit a slight snafu with the cashier. Apparently you need to know someone's pin number in order to use a debit card at Taco Bell. After a quick call to Grasso, whose belabored breathing and irritated recitation of the four numbers quickly snuffed out any flames of regret I might have had, we had our order, and we were away.


Hector: Taco Bell Employee of the Decade

Oh, and in case you've never before seen this many digits ($58.02) on the display at the second window of a Taco Bell Drive through:

Sadly, I have.


Disposable Camera: Fucking Up My Blog

While initially I would have been satisfied to just see the look on Grasso's face when he got his bank statement and saw that I had spent $58.02 at Taco Bell, I realized that this plan had to have two parts. Wasting all that food would have been a bigger sin than any amount of frugality.

In addition to buying dinner for Sam, myself, and my other roommate, John - Grasso was also going to be providing a delicious, albeit not terribly healthy, meal for as many of Los Angeles' less fortunate souls as we could find.

Sadly, it is at this point that the photo blogging loses some steam. While I think it might have been entertaining to see some of LA's more personable transients thanking Grasso with a thumbs-up in photo form, something seemed just a bit exploitative about asking someone if he or she wanted food, and then asking for a picture in return. Comitting fraud and stealing from my friends is one thing. Photographing the homeless is another.

Having had the foresight to ask for extra bags, Sam and I proceeded to rearrange most of the food into smaller "grab bags" of Taco Bell, careful not to include any of our own food, lest we be found out upon returning home with the wrong amount of food. We then set out to find some homeless folks.


Sam: Locked and Loaded

Surprisingly, we had to drive around for quite awhile trying to find these folks, who are seemingly everywhere when you're not looking for them. Eventually we decided to drive from the Valley, back to Hollywood, where we were sure to find some folks. Here is a list of things that also surprised me, and they may surprise you too:

** Some homeless people aren't hungry.
** Some homeless people don't like Taco Bell.
** Asking someone if they're hungry and want some extra Taco Bell is difficult to say without coming off as:
condescending - "Hey! You hungry? You want some Taco Bell?"
suspicious - "Hey, buddy. Are ya hungry? You want some Taco Bell?"
threatening - "Hey! You want some of this Taco Bell?"
reality TV - "Hey, we have this friend, and he gave us ALL this extra Taco Bell!"
** Some homeless people are apparently on the Atkins Diet.
**It is hard to tell the difference between hipster and homeless. Which leads to:
**Not everyone who walks around Hollywood at night is homeless.

I have to give Sam a ton of credit. He didn't really sign on for a 90-minute Taco Bell excursion, or to be an accomplice for bank fraud. Since he was the guy forced to accost all of these folks, he had a pretty tough job.


Sam: "Delicate Question Asker" of the Year

Here's a conversation that happened a least a dozen times while we scoured Hollywood for hungry people:

Joe: How 'bout him? Is that guy homeless?
Sam: Joe, just because someone is black doesn't mean he's homeless!

In the end, we managed to give away all the extra food, and make it home just as 24 was ending. I had to tell a few white lies in order to have the time to publish this blog, but hopefully he won't be too mad when he reads this.


Sam: No Remorse

I snapped this picture, just so I'll always remember happy Grasso, just in case he never forgives me.


Grasso: We Had Some Good Times at Least, Didn't We?

Someone was once quoted as saying that he's "stingier than a Black Jew's tip at an Old Country Buffet." I don't think that at all. I just think that splurging and being an idiot with money just isn't hardwired into his system. He just doesn't really think of it.

So on this particular occasion, I thought of it for him.

We love you, buddy.


Grasso: One Love