State of the Union

Last Tuesday night President George W. Bush delivered his State of the Union Address. In his speech, which lasted a shade under 50 minutes, President Bush outlined his plans for progress in America to his colleagues on capitol hill, a television audience comprised of a heavily divided nation, and Dikembe Mutombo.

I've been working on developing a political conscience over the past 6 months or so, and I'm informed enough at this point to give my opinions, even a review perhaps, of the address. But I won't. It suffices to say that as far as speeches go, the president did okay; if you can excuse the 500 or so slip ups, and the fact that everyone already knows that he is completely incompetant at everything from the job of commander-in-chief to eating a bag of Rold Gold. Numerous times throughout the course of the address I found myself asking, "Is this really the President of our country?" Unfortunately the answer was always yes. However, as I watched the President fumble through the address like Stevie Wonder through Pan's Labyrinth, it became clear why; he knows his audience.

Here's Proof:

Vocabulary Every President Should Know if He/She Is Hoping to Win Votes in the Red States:

Nucyaler = This is the same as nuclear, only pronounced wrong. It can also be written nuke'yeller and used to command someone to put a golden retriever in the microwave.

IN-surance = This is the same as insurance, except you prounounce it in such a way as to let people know that the "surance" is going IN, not out.

Vee-hickle = Out here in L.A. we call this a car. Bush of course used this term most often when talking about our need to explore alternative fuels and lessen our dependance on foreign oil, and then to punctuate the topic of issuing temporary work visas to immigrants when he said, "Of course, this means ther'll be even more Mexicans driving around without Veehickle IN-surance." No, he didn't actually say that. Cheney made him cut it.

Randomness:

Most of Bush's constituents enjoy the randomness of life. And by randomness of life I of course mean the ability to choose from a variety of fried meats warmed over sterno for only $4.99, and the contestants' choice of cases on "Deal or No Deal." With this in mind Bush chose his "distinguished guests" totally at random. Case and point: about 45 minutes in to his speech Bush takes a sip of his water and then utters the most puzzling words in the history of the SOTUA. "Dikembe Mutombo..." After saying the name of this aging NBA star and prolific shot blocker, Bush took a nice long pause, giving me enough time to look at Alexandra and say, "Oh my god, he's losing his mind." I truly thought we were witnessing the end of Dubbya right then and there. Why on earth would Bush say "Dikembe Mutombo"? Where is he going with this? Is he going to announce the rest of the Houston Rockets lineup, or unveil a plan to station Mutombo atop the statue of liberty where he will keep the country safe by swatting out of the sky missiles aimed at U.S. targets? All of this zipped around my skull until he finished his thought, "...grew up in Africa amid great poverty." Yes, of course. It all makes sense now. NO! Why the fuck is Dikembe Mutombo one of Bush's guests at the State of the Union address? No offense to Dikembe, but he isn't even relevant in basketball anymore, let alone politics.

And as if that wasn't puzzling enough, Bush followed up his minute and half long mini-bio of Deek, which by the way ended with the President's proclimation that he is, "proud to call this son of the Sudan, a citizen of the United States of America," with the introduction and lauding of the creator of "Baby Einstein," which to my understanding is nothing more than rudimentary animation set to the sound of classical music tracks. It's almost like Dick Cheney walked into the Oval Office with one of those $10 impulse buy coffee table books from Barnes and Nobel, and was like, "Hey, Dubbya. If you could invite anyone living or dead to your State of the Union Address, who would it be?" And Bush responded, "Well, Dick. That's a tough one. I guess I'd have to say... Dikembe Mutombo... and, damn, Dick, this sure is hard. Hmm. Dikembe Mutombo, and OH YEAH! That woman who created Baby Einstein. I love Baby Einstein." Okay, maybe the Baby Einstein inventor wasn't such a bad use of an invite. Hell, if Baby Einstein existed back when George was eating paint chips and being dropped on his head, maybe we wouldn't be dealing with a troop surge right now.

All told, with the exception of Dikembe Mutombo and the fact that for the first time the Speaker of the House was "Madame Speaker" - by the way 10:1 Bush thought he was getting away with calling Nancy Pelosi a female pimp - the State of the Union Address looked and sounded like nearly every other State of the Union Address I've ever seen. That said, here is a final summary of the evening's events.

State of the Union Address - Minutes:

Bush covers the well-worn SOTUA territory of social security, medicare, and national security - 3 min 30 sec.

Applause - 45:00

I take that back. I forgot about Dikembe.

Bush covers the well-worn SOTUA territory of social security, medicare, and national security - 2 minutes

Applause 45:00

Totally unexpected fellating of Dikembe Mutombo - 1:30 seconds.

Goodnight, and God Bless.