Relationship Resumes

My new job has been keeping me pretty well occupied over the last week or so. As in - work, sort of eat, sleep - repeat. So while I have ten minutes before I leave, I thought I'd shoot out a quick blog. If the quality of this blog isn't up to the standards that you are used to from me (which very well may be low - and this could be a waste of e-text-breath), sorry.

I decided the other day that anyone who plans on being romantically involved with anyone - ever in life - should have to present their prospective significant other with a relationship resume. People would be forced to exchanged these resumes before entering into any kind of exclusive arrangement - i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend, boyfriend/boyfriend, girlfriend/girlfriend, boy-girlfriend/boyfriend, and on and on we go. These would be shown before you decided to "go steady" - to use the parlance of 80's and 90's high school sitcoms. You can date all you want, shove your tongue, penis, boobs, whatever, in as many people's mouths as you want to before producing this literature. But if monogamy is to be, you must produce a relationship resume.

Many of you may be thinking, well, I'm on e-harmony right now, it's just like that. No it's not. Who cares if you're a "smoker" or "non-smoker" - "Like Going to Museums" - or your favorite song is "Dancing on the Ceiling" by Lionel Richie. Unfortunately, none of this tells me jack shit about who you REALLY are in a relationship. I will know if you're a smoker, like museums and Lionel Richie within a few dates. What I won't know, what you won't tip me off to, even after many dates, maybe a year of living together, or until it's the time of the season, is whether you have the stomach to stab me with an icepick. And I need to know this. Because as you'll see from my relationship resume; I don't have the cleanest track record ever. I'm all for full disclosure. Below please find my relationship resume. Feel free to post yours in the comment section underneath (I know that in order to do this you have to sign up for a blogger account, and that it takes 36 seconds, however the fact that you've made it this far into the blog, hell the fact that you even visit this blog, means that you have those precious ticks to spare.) So do it. Do it right after you read mine.

I'm leaving off details of my current relationship because truthfully, you shouldn't have a relationship resume unless you're actively looking. Mine is a mock up. This is what Alexandra would have seen before we started dating. If relationship resumes were a prerequisite.


SCOTT B. HUFF
26 years-old
5'11"
175 lbs,
Scorpio (if you care) and if you do - you're fucking nuts
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Past Relationship Experience

April 2002-Aug 2004 - Semi-Serious Relationship - With a Girl - Same Age - Boston, MA to Los Angeles, CA

- Coddled a princess personality
- Dealt with the deception, irrational behavior, psychotic tendancies associated with people with serious mental problems
- Sexual partner
- Met the parents
- Cheated first
- Was cheated on later
- Managed to stay faithful through three months of long distance - though I had already cheated before that (does that count?)
- Made her cry
- Did the on again off again thing until things ended with an ugly writing off of one another. (You could say I was the dumpee)
- She regrets that it's over.

June-2002-Sept. 2003 - Fling - With a Girl - Older - Boston, MA

- Low maintenance relationship (first ever)
- Sexual partner
- Never cheated (didn't really have time though)
- I gave her mediocre gifts
- Broke up with her
- Tried booty calls later

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SKILLS

Sense of humor, sensitivity, so scared of hurting someones feelings that I will wait until they dump me. Proficient in Microsoft office.

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SETBACKS

Messy, tempramental (when caffeinated), career obsessed, once enduced an attempted vehicular homicide from a girl after claiming to be "The Lord" - this was of course my respnse to her questioning why I thought it was okay to ignore her phone calls.

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REFERENCES

Girl T. Girl - 555-555-6655
Chick Date - 1-800-555-6772


I would be even more outspoken, but I really don't want anyone stabbing me with an icepick. I'd love to see some others. If this wasn't MY blog, I likely would have given the entire skinny. Perhaps I will update later. Anyhow, just imagine how much easier your decisions would be if you had relationship resumes to peruse.

Girls: Fax your resumes to Joe: maladjusted girls only please. If you are too normal you will not be considered.