Horoscopes By Joe!

I could not believe just how dead on my Yahoo! Horoscope was today:

"New inventions and so-crazy-it-just-might-work ideas are on your mind."

In all seriousness, this was my first reaction:

"No. Not really. "

And then, as I often times did as a frustrated child with jigsaw pieces, I jammed two things together, making them fit where they really did not.

My second reaction:

"Wait. Hm. Shit. You know what? It does fit."

And two seconds later, when I realized that I had done what dum-dums do, my third reaction was:

"I wonder how many people this would actually apply to. Certainly all the people who were born during late September and early October. But certainly almost anyone else."

And then my fourth reaction was, of course, anger - like when I cried at the end of Armageddon. Anger, directed at the fact that I was driven to have an emotion from something so stupid:

"Has Yahoo! been reading my emails? Or maybe even my thoughts? I mean, seriously! How else could they know about my "just-might-work scheme!?" How could a horoscope be so damn accurrate!?!?"

I might as well do them myself...


Aries
3/21-4/19

"Today would be a good day to stop doing that thing about yourself that you know you shouldn't be doing."


Taurus
4/20-5/20

"Laughter and fun are two things you may or may not enjoy. "


Gemini
5/21-6/21

"People are talking about you behind your back. But don't worry, it's mostly good. Also some bad."


Cancer
6/22-7/22

"Lately, you've been really focused on your own affairs. It's almost as if the most important person in your life is you."


Leo
7/23-8/22

"Money will be a big factor today. You will need it to by most things, unless you have a gift certificate."


Virgo
8/23-9/22

"Sometimes you just don't understand 'people.' Also, if you have a crush on someone let them know today!"


Libra
9/23-10/22

"You can do no wrong today. Unless you actually do. Also, people may or may not misinterpret your 'right' as their 'wrong."


Scorpio
10/23-11/21

"You've been debating contacting someone from your past. Or is it your future?"


Sagittarius
11/22-12/21

"Gravity will play a large role in your life in the coming weeks. Don't go expecting to be floating around anytime soon."


Capricorn
12/22-1/19

"You are extremely susceptible to gunshot wounds today. You aren't any more likely to be shot than normal, but if you are, it will hurt. A lot."


Aquarius
1/20-2/18

"Food is a definite priority for you today. If you don't eat regularly, you may get cranky or fatigued."


Pisces
2/19-3/20

"Your body is composed of 70% H20 today. But, be careful! That doesn't mean you can breathe under water, silly!"



N.B. - Please pay careful attention to your horoscope, and your horoscope only. These predictions are highly specific to the 1/12 of the population they apply to. If you mistakenly read someone else's, I cannot be held responsible for the confusion and the tragedy that is sure to unfold.

Honestly. Let's say for a second that I even believe in horoscopes and astrology. Well, you can bet your sweet chakras that I'm do, and the only place I can recommend, for the #1 source on the net for the macabre, the outre, and the black arts - Yahoo.com.

For more from Yahoo! Astrology, be sure to check out:

Yahoo! Astrology - but check it at your own risk!!!!