Christmas in Upstate New York: By The Numbers

As you may or may not know, I come from a land down under. A land of rolling thunder.

Hold on.

Let me turn off my iTunes.

Sorry.

I am originally from upstate New York. A lot of people don't know what this means. It's about the same as assuming someone from Israel lives in the desert. But, people from New York know the difference. I've actually had this conversation with someone (and subsequently almost punched him in the mouth for being such an arrogant prick):

Neighbor guy who uninvitedly walked into my apartment: "Hey, who here is from NY?"
Me: "Um, me and my brother."
Guy: "Where from?"
Me: "Albany."
Guy: --snorting noise-- "That's not New York. I'm from Queens."
Me: --standing up out of my chair-- "Oh, really? Because I'm pretty sure that I had a New York licence plate..."

As defensive as I got, upstate, although it is still part of New York, is insanely different from New York City.

I, in fact, call it "Alabama with snow." It's shotguns, buffets, racism, and country music.

More and more, my hometown, and the people in it are becoming the answer to the following questions: "Who in the world would ever like/buy/watch this garbage!?"

Why is Night at the Museum the #1 movie for three weeks in a row? Upstate New York.
Why did Arrested Development get cancelled? Upstate New York.
Why is there a Dunkin' Donuts across the street from that other Dunkin' Donuts? Upstate New York.

Anyways, I did a little research on it, and here are some statistics I gathered while home in Upstate New York:

4 - Number of times I saw a Dunkin' Donuts within sight of another Dunkin' Donuts

5 – Number of people who thought my “EVENT STAFF” t-shirt actually meant I was in charge of something at the mall (even though it said “City of West Hollywood” on the front)

11 – Number of hospital trips/surgical procedures explained to me in detail by members of my family, which included but was not limited to:


3 – EKG’s
2 – Knee drainings
2 – hysterectomies
1.5 – swollen feet

0 – Number of times the priest at the Catholic Church thanked its parishioners for their monetary donations
6 – Number of times the priest at the Catholic Church mentioned collection baskets in one form or another

2 – Number of “Ruby Tuesday’s” in my hometown

8 – Number of Long Island Iced Teas consumed by the staff of one of the aforementioned “Ruby Tuesday’s” after I mentioned that I’d “buy them a round”

45 – Number of minutes wait to get a table at an “Applebee’s” on a Friday night

4 – Number of times I was asked if I’ve ever heard of “that MySpace”

2 – Number of times I heard a girl at TGIFriday’s giggle after her boyfriend called her stupid

5 – Number of shrimp that come in a TGIFriday’s delicious Jack Daniels Sampler

3 – Number of people I heard complain about Southwest Airlines while on the plane
$99 – Average price of a Southwest one way ticket

70 – percentage of my family members who think it’s clever to refer to California as “the left coast”

4 – number of “stain resistant” Dockers I got for Christmas after asking for "nice" clothes

1100 – Number of dollars I found “hidden” in my Grandmother’s silverware drawer under the forks

4 – Number of times per day that my father watches the local news

1 – Number of times I saw my creepy pediatrician at the airport
100 – Percentage of time said pediatrician checked me “down below” when I went in for a sore throat

.7 – Number of years of business of favorite eatery: Hong Kong Century Bakery Taco
Hong Kong Century Bakery Taco Menu:
#1 – Hot Dog
#2 – Fajita
#3 – Hot Dog Fajitas

2 – Number of family members who have been in and out of jail since my last visit
3.5 – average number of months served

22 – Number of times I found myself talking baby talk to my parents’ cat

59 – Percentage of time my parents’ television is spent tuned to the DirecTV guide

35+ - Number of girls I was rejected by in high school who this year made sure history repeated itself, even while intoxicated
7 – Number of nights I considered trying to find a shady massage parlor

1 - Number of blogs that I thought I could squeak out of this "hilarious" premise