Happy Birthday!

I’m writing this blog, because Scott refuses to let me talk about it on the show.

This year, our country has hit some big milestones. A ten year anniversary is nothing to sneeze at, and there is one ten year anniversary in particular that really strikes a chord with me. It incorporates all the things that America is based on.

But before I get to that, here are some other things celebrating their ten-year anniversaries in 2008:


Mozilla - the company that made the (used to be) awesome web browser - Firefox.

Seriously guys. WTF? Firefox used to rock my world, now it just puts white boxes all over my computer. I feel betrayed. Like when McDonald's came out with the Chicken Select. You had it already! The McNugget! Don't F with it!


Starcraft - The computer simulation game.

This game was the sequel to the original Warcrafts. And. There are actually professional Starcraft players. And they make more money than me. My friends and I used to play this game in college, believe it or not. I know. Even though we're all super cool, we all used to play this game. Everyone but Huff. He was too cool. Even then.


MPMan F10 - The First Portable MP3 Player.

This little guy is the precursor to the whole shebang. Well. It wasn't little. It was big. Really big. It was the size of a hi-fi. You had to carry it in a backpack. That's why you've never heard of it. Oddly, it would still go dead if you forgot to hit the "hold" button.


Cryptogramophone Records - jazz music publishers.

If any of you actually own a record published by this company, I'll give you a dollar.


Student Loan Network - big time college loan sharks.

Ok. Maybe sharks is a harsh term. Their rates are reasonable, and the loans are fairly easy to get. As long as you're white.


Zero Effect - the feature debut of writer/director Jake Kasdan.

This is one of my favorite movies of all time. I know I have a lot of favorites, but this one is definitely in my top 5. I haven't disliked anything Kasdan's done since then. IMDB him. He's fantastic. He's the best thing to happen from nepotism since George W.


Titanic - 10 Year Anniversary of Best Picture win.

Near. Far. Wherever you are. I believe that this film helped me lose my vir-gi-ni-ty. I guess that marks yet another 10 year anniversary.


Tony Stewart's Sponsorship by Home Depot.

I can't even believe it's been ten years on this one! Whoo! Nascar! Most popular spectator sport in the world! Yeah! Um. Home Depot! Actually, I have nothing against Nascar. I'm not any more or less interested in it, nor do I understand the obession with it, as I do any other sport. They're all pretty stupid. Go Yankees!


Tennessee Titans

I can't even believe it's been ten years on this one! Whoo! Football! Most watched television event in the world! Yeah! Um. Clydesdales! Actually, I have nothing against football. I'm not any more or less interested in it, nor do I understand the obession with it, as I do any other sport. They're all pretty stupid. Go Yankees!


America’s Next Top Model

Remember when being on television for ten years was a milestone? Remember when Seinfeld went off the air after season 9, a full season after they wanted to leave, because they didn't want to be the person at the party who stayed too long? I think this applies to just about any show on the air ten or more years (save the Law and Orders, and primetime fringe staple gameshows). Yes. All of them. Even the Simpsons. Top Model was boring and stupid to begin with. Is there anyone out there who can name 3 of the ten winning models? Can any guy name even one? That he hasn't masturbated to?

None of those anniversaries are what I want to focus on though. They're all worthy of some sort of recognition, but none of them completely encompass everything that is America like this final decathalon of annualities:



JARED THE SUBWAY GUY CELEBRATES TEN YEARS OF BEING...JARED THE SUBWAY GUY!!!!

How exactly does this encompass America?

The American Dream. Remember this? The American Dream used to be a life of long, hard work, taking all the overtime you could get, and hopefully being able to retire but the time you were 65.

Now the American Dream is:

Get rich from doing something you're supposed to be doing anyways.

Getting burned by coffee, slipping on ice, and not being 400 pounds are all things that are supposed to happen. I don't mean that they happen naturally, but when you pour coffee on yourself, you're supposed to get burned. You're not supposed to get paid for it. When you lose three hundred pounds, you're supposed to look better. You're not supposed to get paid for it.

If you take this, combine it with the fact that this get-rich quick scheme incorporates the New American Dream with the New American Fantasy: fast, cheap, and disgusting amounts of food that can be consumed with little to no accountability because it's "healthy" you get the American Pipedream. That's the dream that people have when they're home sucking down on the pipe (crack, hash, marijuana) and wondering why their lives aren't as good as other peoples'.

Congratulations on 10 years Jared. PT Barnum would applaud you - with one hand - while chowing down on a delicious footlong 7-grams-of-fat-sweet-onion-chicken-teriyaki in the other.