The Most Dangerous Human Being on Earth

The beginning of this blog is going to work like a Rorschach inkblot test. Look at the picture above. What do you see? Say it aloud.

Some of you will say, " A Jeep on a crowded highway."

Others of you will say "A Jeep driving rapidly on the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles, California."

A psycho or two might say, "Big fat titties, or, peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

However, if any of the people taking this test of personality and emotional functioning were actually in the car with me when this picture was taken, they would say, "A woman driving her jeep at 65 mph down the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles at rush hour...while curling her hair." That's right. CURLING HER MUTHERFUCKING HAIR.

I wish I had a John Madden-esque telestrator to circle the area that proves that she was using a curling iron. Unfortunately I will just have to describe. Just look at the angle of her arm to her head. She is not talking on the phone - as I initially thought when she swerved into my lane. She is not adjusting her rear view mirror. She is most certainly shoving something into her locks. That something, as I later discovered, was without out question a curling iron.

It sucks when as a writer you are at a loss for words and have to resort simply to hyperbole to prove the maginitude of a situation, but that is what I'm going to do. This woman, as far as I can tell, is the most dangerous human being on Earth. Her picture should be on the wall of the post office with all the murderers, armed robbers and sex criminals. The only difference between her and them is that she hasn't gotten caught yet.

I know that many people are in agreement that far too many extra curricular activities go on on our roadways. Many of you may call out this blog and say, "But Scott, I'm sure you talk on your cell phone when you drive. Isn't that dangerous?"

Yes anonymous reader, I do, and yes it is. But not nearly as dangerous as turning yourself into a one woman salon behind the wheel of a 3 ton vehicle.

When I told my mother about the incident she said, "Oh, that's like when women put mascara on in the car."

Not really, mother, and let's examine the reasons why:

Mascara cannot give you third degree burns.

Okay. There's only one reason. A fucking curling iron gets hot. Really hot. I envision a scenario...

The woman driving shall henceforth be referred to as Stupid Douche Bag or (SDB):

So SDB is headed to her job as a - wait I am having some trouble here, as I find it hard to imagine that anyone stupid enough to curl their hair while driving is employed. Anyhow SDB is on her her way to her job as lead shithead at the office for stupid fuckup idiots. Shes late as usual and realizes that she could use some last minute touch ups on her curls - the people at the office for stupid fuckup idiots are really concerned about aesthetic professionalism. She pulls out her trusty curling iron and plugs it into the car charger. She puts on her mascara and eats a pop tart while steering with her knees as she waits for the iron to heat up.

Ding. The curling iron is ready. She's only eaten half of the pop tart. It wasn't very satifsfying cold. She takes a moment to heat the pop tart with the curling iron. Perfect. SDB takes a bite. Delicious gooey center.

Now to the task at hand. She takes her hands off the wheel, and begins to curl. Will she go Shirley Temple or Medusa? It's anyone's guess. She hasn't even decided yet. She takes her time with each lock, curling it to perfection as a semi truck merges onto the highway. He wants to get to the center lane, but it's gonna take some doing. He gets over one lane, and starts toward SDB's. She's mid-curl when she notices the giant metal side of the semi out of her periphery. As the semi attempts to slide in behind her she hits the breaks for no real reason other than the slight disorientation caused by the harsh reality that she is actually driving an automobile, and not sitting in front of a vanity. Her sudden move causes the semi to react. He hits his breaks - FUCK - they lock up. The cab stays stationary while the ass end of the monstrous vehicle slides out from underneath and into the adjacent two lanes. Car after car slams into the truck. One flips, another breaks and gets rear ended spinning 720 degrees before being t-boned by a soccer mom driving a Hummer at 90 mph. The semi-truck, now completely out of control rolls onto its side, crushing a high school teacher in a Celica.

SDB looks in her rear view mirror. Her curls are beautiful. She breathes a sigh of relief for having escaped the carnage. It's a great day at the office for stupid fuckup idiots. She earns a gold star - then employee of the century.

Pain is beauty, baby. Pain is beauty.

At the absolute best this woman is suicidal. At the worst a mass vehicular homicide waiting to happen. She needs to be stopped. Someone call John Walsh or something.

As my dad always used to say, "If I were king for a day. She'd be dragged out back and shot." I really wish someone would have made my dad king of america this morning, because for once, I am in total agreement with him. And not only should she be brought out back and shot, so should the guy that created the car adapter for the curling iron. When will it stop?

So maybe we can't shoot people for these kinds of offences. Maybe too Draconian. But couldn't we at least lock them up at Riker's Island and throw away the key?

Okay. I'll be an activist. At least we can warn each other. So here in case you can't read it, her license plate number is 4BPH337. If you see her on the road. Get off at the next available exit.