"I'm an Open Book!"

Have you ever dated anyone who said that?

"I'm an open book."

Oddly, that phrase, whenever spoken, is almost unequivocally followed by complete and utter silence.

You know why? Because that phrase is a big fat lie.

Here's an example to prove it:

One afternoon, I awoke from a glorious nap. Wearing only one pair of boxers, and one lone sock, I walked out into my living room to find my brother, and a few of his friends. Shockingly, there was even a female present (Although I mean to say "there was even a female in attendance" I like to say "female present" because if you read it the wrong way, it could mean any number of things. Was it a girl wrapped up in a bow? Was it a decorative sanitary napkin? Who knows!). Amidst a debate of whether they should watch "From Dusk 'til Dawn" or "Donnie Darko," I interjected.

"If you want to know why I'm only wearing one sock, it's because I masturbated before I went to sleep."

Now that's an open book.

I didn't feel the need to pander to them by explaining that I masturbated into the sock, nor did I sit there, shifting in my seat, clearing my throat and motioning to my one bare foot, before finally saying "Doesn't anyone want to ask me why I'm only wearing one sock!?" Nay. That would have been the equivalent of saying "I'm an open book."

What women mean why they say "I'm an open book," is that they want you to ask them questions. A literal open book (Whoah, describing what a book is, literally, is a little too literal to be describing anything literal like books. I wish I smoked weed.) would go something like this:

You walk up, and see a book open on the table. Your eye sees the first word, your brain processes it, and the same would go for the second. And so on and so on. It would be an organic, natural process. The words and thoughts would flow through the brain like vodka down an ice slide. Sure you might need to take a break, or you might get sleepy every now and again, but for the most part, it would be easy.

But it's not that easy. That's because "I'm an open book" doesn't mean that. It means, "I'm a closed book, and you need to ask me questions to get me open." But not just any question will suffice. You can't just say "How are you?" That'll be met with a one word answer. You can't ask "What are your hopes and dreams?" because that'll just get you a snort and a scoff. A further translation of the original phrase reveals "I'm a closed book, and you need to ask me questions to get me open, and they need to be the right questions."

Better questions include such examples as "Are you still being overworked and underappreciated at your job?" (if she even has one) and "Where was that really great trip you and your rich ex-boyfriend went on?"

She probably still won't be an "open book." Not right away at least.

In the ancient days of China, one who wanted to become a Buddhist monk would approach the temple gates. He would immediately be turned away - told there was no room. The applicant would then stand on the porch for three days and nights, without food or water or shelter. Sometimes the monks from inside would bring the applicants small amounts of tea or rice, but mostly they just came out and beat them with sticks. If the applicants lasted long enough they'd eventually be admitted to the monastery.

That non-sequitor was actually a yes-sequitor. The monks of old were left on the stoop not to play dice like today's porch dwellers, but instead to prove their dedication to the cause. The open book requires the same dedication. Not only do you have to try to open this book with questions, asked the right way, but you've got to ask them multiple times - just to prove you care.

Actual conversation between Joe and "Ex:"

"You never ask me about my childhood."
"I asked you a question about it last night. I asked you if you ever had any pets."
"Yeah, but you were just asking me because I want you to. You don't really want to know."
"I do, baby, I really do."
"I'm going to get drunk."

In essence, the open book is a lie. It's not an open book at all. It's a closed book. You've got to try like hell to get it open, and then when you do, you can't just start reading it in order. You've got to skip around and try to make sense of it all. And then, all of a sudden, sometimes the book will just slam shut. And then you're like "Damn, I don't even care about the end of that book anyway." But then a little while goes by, and you realize that if you want to put your penis in the book later that you're going to have to read a bit more before bed.

I jumped the rail somewhere there. Essentially, what I'm saying is that the open book line is a just that - a line. All women want is to be asked questions, and all men want is to be left alone.

So how about we split the difference.

When we ask you how your day was, just notice the effort. If we're perilously aware that not an iota of conversation has transpired between us in the last 5 minutes of dinner, and we start grasping at straws by saying "What kind of makeup do you use?" we're not actually saying "You wear too much makeup," or "You spend too much on makeup." We're really just making an effort.

When you get right down to it, none of that is what this is really all about. Just stop lying to us. Saying you're an open book is just not true.

You stop lying about being an open book, and we'll stop telling you how many people we've slept with.