Top Ten Lists

I wish I could be more creative than ripping off a top ten list. But, then again, maybe Top Ten Lists are such thoroughfare these days, that it doesn't really count as a "rip off." Maybe it's no more "ripping off" than making a "romantic comedy." Sure, I'm not the first to do it, but the content will be original. Actually, that makes romantic comedies a horrible example.

Irregardless (I know this isn't a word. I shall use it frequently as a subtle jab at those who do).

Top Ten Lists will be a part of my blogging set list. And speaking of set lists....

When you live in Los Angeles, you're forced to go see a lot of "my friend's band!!"

"My friend's band!!" always sucks. They always play horrible rooms, with horrible sound. And you ALWAYS have to pay a ridiculous cover. The only consolation is that usually the speakers are cranked up so loud that you don't have to hear the horrible lyrics. The whole thing wouldn't even be so bad, if it weren't for the fact that they're ALWAYS so passionate about it. All jumping around and swinging their heads and closing their eyes while they sing.

Seriously, do you really need to close your eyes when you're singing lyrics like:

"This is from our new single, 'Eggcellent Day.'"

"I've been dropped and cracked upon the flo-oo-or/
things just aren't so sunny side up any mo-oo-re"

The worst part is that you always have to meet "My friends band!!" after the show, and then awkwardly try to come up with something nice to say, all the while trying not to feel awkward about the fact that you're talking to a guy whose sweaty abs remind you of where they got the body to superimpose under John Basedow's head.

That being said, I was thinking there should be the creation of a television show called "The Band Whisperer" where someone goes to these shows, and when the band's done playing, The Band Whisperer will pull each of the members aside and say things like "You're never going to make it," and "You're living in a fantasy world," and "You guys aren't very good," and "Maybe you should start working on another career."

Then the scenes that follow would entail the Band Whisperer teaching them to function again in normal society. It will be difficult for him to teach them that they can't hold their computer keyboards near their crotches and gently strum them in order to type memos. It will be a tall order explain that "the crack of noon" is no longer an acceptable phrase. And it will be nearly impossible for The Band Whisperer to keep them from instantly taking of their shirts whenever they get the least bit sweaty - but he'll do it.

Sadly, "The Band Whisperer" doesn't exist. And in my life, I have an extremely difficult time being cruel (outside of BlogWorld) or being completely dishonest, so instead, I've constructed an all-purpose Top Ten List to be used whenever you see a less than stellar band.

I call it:

Joe's Top Ten Ambivalent "Compliments" for a Shitty Band:

10) All of your equipment was in great working order.
9) No, parking was really easy, actually.
8) That one song really had a lot of verses.
7) I hadn't heard most of those before.
6) No, no. We were talking about how good the music was.
5) Most of the lyrics appeared to be grammatically correct.
4) The drummer's head and body are very symmetrical.
3) You were very efficient at setting up and breaking down your instruments.
2) They said they were just going to feed the meter.
1) I didn't know bands played this early on a Monday.