Happy Birthday!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

I’m writing this blog, because Scott refuses to let me talk about it on the show.

This year, our country has hit some big milestones. A ten year anniversary is nothing to sneeze at, and there is one ten year anniversary in particular that really strikes a chord with me. It incorporates all the things that America is based on.

But before I get to that, here are some other things celebrating their ten-year anniversaries in 2008:

Mozilla - the company that made the (used to be) awesome web browser - Firefox.

Seriously guys. WTF? Firefox used to rock my world, now it just puts white boxes all over my computer. I feel betrayed. Like when McDonald's came out with the Chicken Select. You had it already! The McNugget! Don't F with it!

Starcraft - The computer simulation game.

This game was the sequel to the original Warcrafts. And. There are actually professional Starcraft players. And they make more money than me. My friends and I used to play this game in college, believe it or not. I know. Even though we're all super cool, we all used to play this game. Everyone but Huff. He was too cool. Even then.

MPMan F10 - The First Portable MP3 Player.

This little guy is the precursor to the whole shebang. Well. It wasn't little. It was big. Really big. It was the size of a hi-fi. You had to carry it in a backpack. That's why you've never heard of it. Oddly, it would still go dead if you forgot to hit the "hold" button.

Cryptogramophone Records - jazz music publishers.

If any of you actually own a record published by this company, I'll give you a dollar.

Student Loan Network - big time college loan sharks.

Ok. Maybe sharks is a harsh term. Their rates are reasonable, and the loans are fairly easy to get. As long as you're white.

Zero Effect - the feature debut of writer/director Jake Kasdan.

This is one of my favorite movies of all time. I know I have a lot of favorites, but this one is definitely in my top 5. I haven't disliked anything Kasdan's done since then. IMDB him. He's fantastic. He's the best thing to happen from nepotism since George W.

Titanic - 10 Year Anniversary of Best Picture win.

Near. Far. Wherever you are. I believe that this film helped me lose my vir-gi-ni-ty. I guess that marks yet another 10 year anniversary.

Tony Stewart's Sponsorship by Home Depot.

I can't even believe it's been ten years on this one! Whoo! Nascar! Most popular spectator sport in the world! Yeah! Um. Home Depot! Actually, I have nothing against Nascar. I'm not any more or less interested in it, nor do I understand the obession with it, as I do any other sport. They're all pretty stupid. Go Yankees!

Tennessee Titans

I can't even believe it's been ten years on this one! Whoo! Football! Most watched television event in the world! Yeah! Um. Clydesdales! Actually, I have nothing against football. I'm not any more or less interested in it, nor do I understand the obession with it, as I do any other sport. They're all pretty stupid. Go Yankees!

America’s Next Top Model

Remember when being on television for ten years was a milestone? Remember when Seinfeld went off the air after season 9, a full season after they wanted to leave, because they didn't want to be the person at the party who stayed too long? I think this applies to just about any show on the air ten or more years (save the Law and Orders, and primetime fringe staple gameshows). Yes. All of them. Even the Simpsons. Top Model was boring and stupid to begin with. Is there anyone out there who can name 3 of the ten winning models? Can any guy name even one? That he hasn't masturbated to?

None of those anniversaries are what I want to focus on though. They're all worthy of some sort of recognition, but none of them completely encompass everything that is America like this final decathalon of annualities:



How exactly does this encompass America?

The American Dream. Remember this? The American Dream used to be a life of long, hard work, taking all the overtime you could get, and hopefully being able to retire but the time you were 65.

Now the American Dream is:

Get rich from doing something you're supposed to be doing anyways.

Getting burned by coffee, slipping on ice, and not being 400 pounds are all things that are supposed to happen. I don't mean that they happen naturally, but when you pour coffee on yourself, you're supposed to get burned. You're not supposed to get paid for it. When you lose three hundred pounds, you're supposed to look better. You're not supposed to get paid for it.

If you take this, combine it with the fact that this get-rich quick scheme incorporates the New American Dream with the New American Fantasy: fast, cheap, and disgusting amounts of food that can be consumed with little to no accountability because it's "healthy" you get the American Pipedream. That's the dream that people have when they're home sucking down on the pipe (crack, hash, marijuana) and wondering why their lives aren't as good as other peoples'.

Congratulations on 10 years Jared. PT Barnum would applaud you - with one hand - while chowing down on a delicious footlong 7-grams-of-fat-sweet-onion-chicken-teriyaki in the other.

The TwoJacks Return

Friday, October 12, 2007

Lady and gentleman. The Two Jacks in the Hole podcast is back. I really hope the two of you will tune in again and listen to our podcast. Starting Wednesday 10/21 you will be able to hear the TwoJacksintheHole podcast exclusively at PokerRoad.com. You will be able to stream it live or dowload it as a podcast. I suggest that one of you streams it and one of you downloads it, to keep our numbers up.

We're going to have phone lines, and an email address and all kinds of other shit. Which is fucking awesome.

For those of you unfamiliar with the TwoJacks podcast, a few things you should know coming in:

The Two Jacks do not negotiate with terrorists.
The Two Jacks do not carry any cash on their person.

That's it. Tune in. 10/21/07 - Pokerroad.com - BEATCH.

The Hitcher and the New York Yankees

Monday, May 21, 2007

After a "quiet" bender on Friday night, I decided I needed to give my overworked liver a rest and spend the night in my apartment with the liquor cabinet dead-bolted - (by quiet bender I mean like a quiet scoring night for an NBA player. McGrady scores 32 while exhibiting the effort of a 17 point phone-it-in night. Somehow, without taking any shots, and without the express desire to get hammered, I ended up with spotty memories of at least two conversations I had that I was told lasted over an hour.)

Settling in for a flick seemed like the obvious choice of activities. I decided on "The Hitcher" (original, not the remake), but not before spending a solid 25 minutes reaffirming that even with The Premiere Package on direct TV, which offers over 600 channels, there is never anything worth watching on television.

The Hitcher follows a mid-twenties kid name Jim Halsey, played by C. Thomas Howell, as he is relentlessly stalked by an omnipresent, homicidal hitchhiker named John Ryder, played by Rutger Hauer. I actually enjoyed the film a lot. Though it may not be the greatest 105 minutes ever put on celluloid I couldn't help but chuckle with glee every time Ryder would impossibly reappear undetected at Halsey's latest stop and frame him for yet ANOTHER brutal multiple murder. I felt a little jipped by the promise of a "connection" between Halsey and Ryder that is never explained or even hinted to, unless of course you include the opening scene where Ryder gropes Halsey's junk in a gay charade to fool a cop at a roadblock, but other than that I give it a solid two dismembered thumbs up.

Which brings me to today. At 7:05 Eastern, the Red Sox open up a three game set against the New York Yankees in the Bronx. The Sox have been playing hardnosed, fundamentally sound baseball, tearing the cover off the ball, and making opposing teams look like they're up there swinging palm fronds. For this, they have earned sole possession of 1st place in the AL East by 10 1/2 games.

So why do I still feel like the Red Sox are Jim Halsey and the Yankees are John Ryder?

My friend Grasso answered thusly: "Because you're a worry wart." Never mind the fact that Grasso is the only person over the age of 10, and under the age of 70 currently using this term, he could still have a point. But more than likely he doesn't, and it's because I'm right. The Sox are Jim Halsey. We're 10 1/2 games up. We've won 5 of 6 heads up against the Yankees this season. So basically we've picked up the hitcher in pinstripes, he's held a switchblade to our throat, groped our crotch, yet we've managed to kick him out of our moving car and onto the highway. Unfortunately, he lived. Sure he's banged up, but he lived, and now he's pissed and looking for revenge, at which he has 13 more shots throughout the regular season. Starting tonight.

The Yanks, much like the hitcher only had a switchblade on them when we faced them the first six times. Their banged up starting rotation put them at risk, and we exploited this weakness each and every time out. Now they're a bit healthier, the road rash is starting to heal, and they no doubt have plans to drive a monster truck through a gas station, run us over, leave us covered in gasoline, and strike a match. We can't let them. Sports are about momentum. We have all the momentum going into this series, and a chance to put the bad guy down once and for all, or at least until they show up at the team hotel, kidnap our girlfriends and tie her legs to a wall, and her arms to a big rig, foot resting on the clutch.

The point is, in horror movies, as in sports, you gotta kick the bad guys while their down, because if history and genre convention have taught us anything, they will come back to get you. I want to see the Sox dial it up Jim Halsey third act style, right when her realizes that this will never end unless he takes matters into his own hands, and hijacks a couple of cop cars. This is the mutherfucker of mano-a-mano baseball battles. The rules are different. I say if you have to, have Tek punch A-Rod in his hyper-colored mug again. Even if it's completely at random. Anything to keep these guys the hungry, greedy, insatiable winning machine they've been all season. To hell with the people who say that this series lacks the drama of other Red Sox v. Yanks series. I submit that it's just as important, especially for the Red Sox.

It's not over.

We've only played 43 games this season, and while all of Red Sox nation SHOULD be pleased with the results SO FAR - John Ryder is still as homicidal and hell-bent on destruction as ever. Putting him down for good is the goal. 10 1/2 games is great. 13 1/2 is better, and if we don't get there by Wednesday, I'll be looking over my shoulder.

Schilling and Christ

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I am a die hard Red Sox fan and a fan of Curt Schilling's as well. However, I have a real problem with his apology to Barry Bonds. And I hate Barry Bonds.

Schilling's apology for his inflammatory remarks about Bonds, began, "The only perfect human to walk the face of the earth died a few thousand years ago, that much I know. I am far from perfect and make more than my share of mistakes, which is something I have no problem with because that’s part of being human."

I am a Jew, and so am not terribly offended by his invoking the name of his Lord in his apology. What I am, is just sickened by the hyperbole of it. You are a boneheaded baseball player making a boneheaded remark about another boneheaded baseball player. I am really struggling to see the comparison to Christ. Face it Curt. There is a list of about, I don't know, 1,000? 10,000? 1,000,000 less fallible people than you before you reach Jesus Christ.

How about, "Look, I'm no Wesley Autrey, but I'm not Lindsey Lohan either.

The real shit of it is, I think if Jesus were around today, he would completely dis on Barry Bonds, but I guess I agree with Curt in that he would probably be sure to keep his facts straight.

Video Blog - http://lajumpoff.wordpress.com

Monday, April 23, 2007

Brand new video blog - http://lajumpoff.wordpress.com - Check it now. Funny videos to help you waste even more time at work.


Friday, March 16, 2007

Is it just me, or does anyone else think Sonic might make better use of the billions of dollars it spends on advertising, by opening a fucking store in a major metropolitan area instead of being exclusive to backwoods suburbs and prolific inbreeding zones?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I really want one of those breakfast burritos.

R.I.P - Brad Delp (1952 - 2007)

Friday, March 09, 2007

Brad Delp, lead singer of "Boston," passed away today. He was 55 years old.

I have "more than a feeling" that Brad will be sorely missed.

"I'm just taking my time, and I'm movin' on. Don't forget about me - now that I am gone." --Boston