Rap Warz 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
After the Grammy's last night, I got to thinking a bit about music. After seeing the winner of "Best Rap Album" and having all the nominees sound just like bells and whistles to me, I was reminded of something my brother always says:
"I know you don't like rap, but you gotta listen to this!"
He insists on making me listen to rap "punchlines."
As far as I'm concerned, when you start a sentence with "I know you hate ____" and end it with "but you gotta try ____," it had better be fucking amazing.
I know you hate sushi, but you gotta try the Shu-Toro at Kiokawa.
I know you hate sci-fi, but you gotta see Dark City.
I know you hate anal, but you've got to try these beads!
Here are a few examples of the beauty, poetry, and genius that are supposed to make me like rap:
"I get more butt than an ash-tray"- Biggie
"I pack heat like I am the oven door"- Jay-Z
"I push the mayonnaise colored Benz, I call it Miracle Whip."- Kanye
These rap lyrics are neither beauty, nor poetry. They are not genius. They are, at best, moderately clever - but this is the best rap has to offer!
Scott and I discovered this today as we were having a conversation and I stumbled upon one by accident. He fired one back, and before we knew it, we had:
RAP WARZ 2007!!!!!!
Joe: You might as well be an alcoholic astronaut because you overuse the spacebar.
Scott: Joe Staples, more tons than a gastric bypass surgery, ya heard a me?
Joe: That's right, I got more rhymes than Leann on fertility drugs. I drop more beats than Tito Ortiz. I smoke mo' niggas than Lisa Lampanelli.
Scott: Yo, Yo, Yo, son, yo check my shit. Make sure my shit is hot. Like mutherfucking flapjacks up in this bitch, yo, yo. Hotter than a mutherfucking dutch oven on the sun up in this mutherfucker...what... check my mic
Joe: For realz yo, Joey Stapes in the house, I got more bling than a Korean guy shouting "BRING!" HOLLLAAA!!!
Scott: Watch me Shred Joe like half of a Ninja Turtle nemesis' name, then watch me maim...Joe-y the whack M-C, like I'm slapping the Irish out of a fast food chain.
Joe: Huff thinks he's got me, he must be high, he's more whipped than Jim Caviezel's topping for pumpkin pie.
Scott: Oh, but I was just getting started like an NBA rookie. I've got rhymes for more times than Joe gets butt nookie.
Joe: Bring it, LeBron James - I got more skills than Puffy's got names.
Scott: Names you may have many, but so does the devil, my rhymes are like heaven, bringing you to a whole new level.
Joe: Your shit is whack, don't fake the funk, I got more props than Carrot Top's trunk!
Scott: Joe's completely whack on the A-I-M, like Helen Keller in the biathalon. What bitch, taste my mutherfucking jumpoff.
Joe: --long pause-- Sorry. I am also working and arguing with my roommate.
Scott: HA HA HA! That rhyme sucked.
Joe: Yeah, apparently, someone changed my favorite channels on the tv.
Scott: That is the worst rap punchline ever.
Joe: All I can say is I'm going to kill that little fairy, I love high definition more than Snoop with a dictionary.
Scott: Yo, hold up the cable guy is here, he don't pay for Rent like he ain't a mutherfucking broadway stage manager and shit. Yeah booooy.
Scott: Don't forget that he's your boy, and that's yob spelled backwards, and if you ever need a yob, you always have a backwards boy.
Joe: I'm pretty sure the nicest thing he ever contributed to the house was a Quizno's sub.
Scott: To your dome, and that's emod spelled backwards, and if you ever need an emod, you always have your mutherfucking DOME PIECE.
Joe: I don't want to do this anymore.
Scott: Yeaaahhhh, boyeeee.
Joe: Now I know why rap causes violence. I'm swear to fucking Christ if I get home and that tv's not working right, I'm going buy a gun.
Alright, so maybe rap isn't as easy as it looks.
"I know you don't like rap, but you gotta listen to this!"
He insists on making me listen to rap "punchlines."
As far as I'm concerned, when you start a sentence with "I know you hate ____" and end it with "but you gotta try ____," it had better be fucking amazing.
I know you hate sushi, but you gotta try the Shu-Toro at Kiokawa.
I know you hate sci-fi, but you gotta see Dark City.
I know you hate anal, but you've got to try these beads!
Here are a few examples of the beauty, poetry, and genius that are supposed to make me like rap:
"I get more butt than an ash-tray"- Biggie
"I pack heat like I am the oven door"- Jay-Z
"I push the mayonnaise colored Benz, I call it Miracle Whip."- Kanye
These rap lyrics are neither beauty, nor poetry. They are not genius. They are, at best, moderately clever - but this is the best rap has to offer!
Scott and I discovered this today as we were having a conversation and I stumbled upon one by accident. He fired one back, and before we knew it, we had:
RAP WARZ 2007!!!!!!
Joe: You might as well be an alcoholic astronaut because you overuse the spacebar.
Scott: Joe Staples, more tons than a gastric bypass surgery, ya heard a me?
Joe: That's right, I got more rhymes than Leann on fertility drugs. I drop more beats than Tito Ortiz. I smoke mo' niggas than Lisa Lampanelli.
Scott: Yo, Yo, Yo, son, yo check my shit. Make sure my shit is hot. Like mutherfucking flapjacks up in this bitch, yo, yo. Hotter than a mutherfucking dutch oven on the sun up in this mutherfucker...what... check my mic
Joe: For realz yo, Joey Stapes in the house, I got more bling than a Korean guy shouting "BRING!" HOLLLAAA!!!
Scott: Watch me Shred Joe like half of a Ninja Turtle nemesis' name, then watch me maim...Joe-y the whack M-C, like I'm slapping the Irish out of a fast food chain.
Joe: Huff thinks he's got me, he must be high, he's more whipped than Jim Caviezel's topping for pumpkin pie.
Scott: Oh, but I was just getting started like an NBA rookie. I've got rhymes for more times than Joe gets butt nookie.
Joe: Bring it, LeBron James - I got more skills than Puffy's got names.
Scott: Names you may have many, but so does the devil, my rhymes are like heaven, bringing you to a whole new level.
Joe: Your shit is whack, don't fake the funk, I got more props than Carrot Top's trunk!
Scott: Joe's completely whack on the A-I-M, like Helen Keller in the biathalon. What bitch, taste my mutherfucking jumpoff.
Joe: --long pause-- Sorry. I am also working and arguing with my roommate.
Scott: HA HA HA! That rhyme sucked.
Joe: Yeah, apparently, someone changed my favorite channels on the tv.
Scott: That is the worst rap punchline ever.
Joe: All I can say is I'm going to kill that little fairy, I love high definition more than Snoop with a dictionary.
Scott: Yo, hold up the cable guy is here, he don't pay for Rent like he ain't a mutherfucking broadway stage manager and shit. Yeah booooy.
Scott: Don't forget that he's your boy, and that's yob spelled backwards, and if you ever need a yob, you always have a backwards boy.
Joe: I'm pretty sure the nicest thing he ever contributed to the house was a Quizno's sub.
Scott: To your dome, and that's emod spelled backwards, and if you ever need an emod, you always have your mutherfucking DOME PIECE.
Joe: I don't want to do this anymore.
Scott: Yeaaahhhh, boyeeee.
Joe: Now I know why rap causes violence. I'm swear to fucking Christ if I get home and that tv's not working right, I'm going buy a gun.
Alright, so maybe rap isn't as easy as it looks.
posted by Joe | 11:29 AM
17 Comments:
As astonishing that demonstration of raw talent was, I think you should stick to your day job. Oh, and I think Scott won due to HD interference.
This makes you two sound like the most ignorant racists of all time.
Quoting two famous Biggie and Jay-Z lines respectively do not give enough credit to an entire song or album that two of music's most prolific artists had to offer. I wouldn't tell you that poker is all luck because I saw two incredibly lucky hands of the world series of poker. I hate you both, and would love to continue this dialogue at some other point in time.
Hm. Ignorant racists because we don't think it's hard to write a rap song. Interesting angle, though pretty ignorant in its own right. The "I hate you both" is a nice touch of sophisticated rhetoric though. Here's one for the road, Mr. We-are-the-World.
Yo, yo, Josh's comedy compass must'a got Lost. Like J.J. Abrams fighting Jorge Garcia for Kraft Service donuts.
Furthermore, no one said it isn't hard to write a rap song or album, as you so vehemently protested in your comment.
However, we did say it isn't hard to write a punch line.
Josh's logic is all mixed up like cligo. Don't get so offended by our blogs, mi amigo.
I saw nothing in the entire blog that even mentioned race. In my opinion, Josh's insinuation that making fun of rap is essentially making fun of African Americans is more racist than anything I have ever heard Scott or Joe say.
Your whole blog was based on the fact that those lines were the "best that rap had to offer", which is clearly not true, and fairly ignorant.
Mr. "Anonymous", read between the lines. The conversation between Joe and Scott is written in what they clearly perceive to be urban slang and is more offensive than a Sprite commercial.
Listen to some Public Enemy/KRS-One/Mos Def/Talib Kweil/2Pac/etc. Many hip hop songs are brilliantly written and poetic, many are not. Many rock songs are brilliantly written, many are not.
The broad generalizations derived from Joe and Scott's limited hip hop knowledge is misguided and unfair. While there is some truth regarding the punchlines you quoted in your blog, there is definitely a lot of poetry and genius prevalent in hip hop. You must learn.
along with what weisman said, i would suggest that if you weren't comfortable dropping the n-bomb in front of a black man you shouldn't use it behind their back. it makes you seem pretty racist.
also judging rap by what you hear on the radio is as dumb as judging all music by pop radio.
They're making fun of rap. Last time I checked, not all rappers were African American, and not all African Americans listen to rap.
Your implication that making fun of rap is the same as making fun of African Americans is racist whether you believe it or not. Scott and Joe making fun of rap is in no way racist, as only racists associate speaking about rap to spealing about African Americans, as you have done. Music has nothing to do with race, therefore making fun of music is not making fun of a race.
who dropped an n-bomb?
Scott, I think you said some variation on the n-word, but the r was way soft, so I don't know if that counts or not.
Would anyone think it was racist if I said I didn't care for Jamie Foxx? Seriously. He lost me at "LeWanda."
Joe actually dropped the n bomb with the Lisa Lampanelli line. Whatever.
Is "anonymous" Scott's sister or mom?
Don't try to put your n-bomb off on me, Joe.
That was more uncalled for than a squeeze play with the bases empty in the first inning.
Also, anonymous's writing style seems nothing like my mom's or sister's.
This is Anonymous 2. I'm too lazy to make a user name. Oh, and I'm also BLACK or, as you crackers like to call it, "African-American". Why don't y'all stop arguing about rap and try listening to the very music that rap was born from. Next time you get the chance listen to jazz........y Jeff and the Fresh Prince.
Peace out, Spackle babies
What's a spackle baby?
HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHaHAHAHAHAh
this whole thing is ridiculous.
Is there really an arguement going on right now about the serious implications of this blog?
I dont think any of it should be considered for more than a second, because I know for a fact that scott does like good hip hop.
I think they were making fun of each other more than they were making fun of rap or hip hop.
ANd now they should make fun of all of you, for being this critical over a blog that was so clearly written to make people laugh, not to offend.
and this anonymous is scotts sister.
"Mayonnaise colored Benz, I push Miracle Whips" is far wittier than anything you two said. You are not on Kanye's level.
Its not your fault though...
maybe if you were black.
I also noticed you misquoted him to make it sound less slick.
Sad.
Hi, well be sensible, well-all described
Post a Comment
<< Home