Text Messages Are Fucking Up My Shit...

I have to admit that until now, I was a big fan of the text messaging.

As my brother put it: "It eliminates awkward pauses."

About 8 months ago, I went out and bought a Treo Palm Pilot Phone Camera Camcorder Day-Planner mp3 Player Internet Device.



I realized that with this device that I could now not only take photos of my penis, but I could schedule it, video record it, and upload it to YouTube. As amazing as all that was, I really only bought it for one reason: it had a full-sized keyboard.

I was constantly texting on my crappy old PM-8200 (pictured below). Christ. Look at it. Gross. It's like the kinds of phones they have in disgusting, poor third world countries like Africa, or something.



As antiquated as it was, I felt as if texting on that thing was corrupting my brain as well. First of all, I don't believe in text abbreviations. They're fine for other people, but I treat them like I treat most drugs. I'm afraid once I start using them, I'll never stop. First it's "How r u?" and the next thing you know I'm writing a screenplay where characters "h8" each other one second and "r 2gether 4eva" the next.

The only other alternative to the end of my grammatical life as I knew it, was to use T9. T9 is the computer program that tries to figure out what word you're trying to spell and makes it for you. You know the one. The one that doesn't have the word "movies" but does have words like "moistiew" and "hubbad."

And then if you weren't paying attention, you could easily send messages that contained the wrong words. Like "he" and "if."

I was actually pretty ok with T9 until I realized that every time I got drunk, I would text my ex girlfriend saying the following:

"I wish I could kick your puppy."

It takes a second. Figure it out before moving on. I'll wait.



In the end, I decided I needed a phone with a full keyboard, so I ended up getting the Treo. I was excited. I was basically buying a $400 texting machine!

In the beginning, it was awesome. All your texts get arranged in little conversations, much like IM's. I was in love.

For a day.

Come to find out, that with Treos, (as instructed by my customer service agent) every time you go somewhere that you don't get service, you need to turn off the phone, remove the battery, and use the stylus to press the reset button in the back. After that you'll "probably" get all your text messages.

I have Sprint. If anyone else has Sprint, you'll know just how frequently you will lose service. See, Sprint built all of their towers in such a way that there are thousands of tiny 3'x3' areas in Los Angeles in which their coverage does not overlap. Many times I will not realize that I have lost service and regained it, because my phone's been in my pocket the whole time. As a result, I find myself resetting my phone several times a day, like a crazed lunatic, if I've gone too long without receiving a text. Sometimes I get none. Sometimes I get 10.

In the last month or so, the problem has gotten worse. This week alone, I've had two people tell me they didn't get my texts, one tell me that I didn't get hers, and one who said she got the same text seven times. This is probably the worst thing in the world that can happen to someone like me.

I have FINALLY, in my 25th year, started to learn how to "play it cool." And text messaging is totally fucking my shit up.

I used to be able to tell when someone wanted me to fuck off from their general lack of response. Now, I'm a total basket case. Am I missing any texts? Did my last text get received? Cool people do not think such things.

Cool people say "fuck if I care."

Cool people do not take apart their phones twice a day to hit the reset button.

Cool people do not text their friends and then call them to see if they've gotten them.

Cool people do not call Sprint and have the following conversation:

Joe: I don't think I'm getting all my text messages.
Sprint: Ok, sir, what makes you think that?
Joe: Well, I was having a conversation with this girl and I just stopped getting texts.
Sprint: So she told you she sent you messages that you later did not receive?
Joe: Umm, no, but the conversation was going really well. I'm pretty sure she's into me. I don't think she would just stop in the middle like that. I mean, I had just asked her if she wanted to come over and watch a mov-- Oh. I'll call you back.

Cool people are way too busy for that. They're way too busy having sex, and hiking Runyon Canyon, and having "drinking parties."

I guess the more things change the more they stay the same. I've always had an excuse. Before this, it was wondering if "junk e-mail" was filtering out my messages and before that it was "the shoddy answering machine" that maybe ate the message, and before that it was "not having call waiting." I can only tell how many calls from girls I "missed" because my Mom wouldn't get off the phone...

Today it's the same story. Honest. If it weren't for text messaging fucking up my shit, I'm positive that I would not be writing this blog. Instead, either the bartender from Skybar, or the trapeze dancer from White Lotus, or the cute teller from the bank - one of them - would have answered my texts by now, and she would instead be here, watching The Goonies with me, and it would have been quite romantic.

I guess I'll just keep sending them till one finally goes through.

I'll let you know how it goes.