Just How Flammable are Old People?

I live in Los Angeles. I always hear people talking about how youthful the city is. How everyone is beautiful, and you never see anyone over the age of 50. Well, leave it up to me to move into the one neighborhood that houses like every single old person in the greater metropolitan area.

Anyhow, in the past two days, there have been two emergencies involving said old people (neither of them fires), yet both have been responded to by the FIRE department. I’ve seen this many times before. And it’s always been bizarre.

Just how flammable are old people? At what age does it become protocol for emergency response to send three fire trucks to your condo in response to your slip and fall? What was the incident that led to this change in procedure?

My guess is that is was something like this...

An old woman calls 9-1-1. She's fallen down. She can't get up. Whatever. They send the paramedics. They get there. Damnit, the old woman has broken her hip. Looks like a trip to the hospital is in order. They slide the back support under the nice old lady, and hoist her into the ambulance.

It's your average ride to the hospital. The EMT's talk to the poor old lady.

"It's going to be okay ma'am. The doctor will have you back on your feet in no time."

The old lady groans. Another EMT fiddles with the oxygen mask and soaks the sweat up off of the poor old ladies head. “

It's all going to be okay,” they repeat.

”Sweet old lady. We hope she pulls through,” they think to themselves. Then...

A crackling noise, and WHOOSH – giant reddish-blue flames start shooting from the old lady's chest. It catches the front of her perm, and her head catches on fire, tripping the oxygen tank.

Jesus Christ, our lord and savior what is going on?

The oxygen tank explodes showering the inside of the ambulance with shrapnel - killing everyone inside, and tripping the gas tank.

With the driver dead, the ambulance flips onto its side. The out-of-control mobile bomb masquerading as a helpful civilian-assistance vehicle crashes through the front door of a Sack's Fifth Avenue and fully detonates killing 17 shoppers and severely melting two child-like mannequins.

After weeks of investigation, it is discovered what you, the reader, already knows – the cause of the accident was indeed a highly flammable octogenarian.

It becomes federal law that all emergencies involving people over the age of 70 must first be responded to by fire rescue.

This is the stuff the government doesn’t tell you people.

Take that DAN BROWN.

“A shadowy figure walks into a room. He hands the president a note.

”Old people are flammable,” it reads.

”You’ve done well, colonel,” says the president.

”Heed my warning, Commander in Chief” replies the colonel. “There will be others.””

From “The Flammable Geezer Code” available at www.amazon.com